The Lucky Rock’s Exclusive Interview with Senator Bernie Sanders

Accompanying Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders on his nursing home rally tour, The Lucky Rock sat down with the Democratic Socialist to talk about a wide range of issues. Topics covered included his 2020 campaign strategy, his fitness for office, fellow presidential candidates, and income inequality. Noteworthy during the exclusive one-on-one conversation was the fact that Sanders remained awake for much of the discussion.

The following is a transcript of The Lucky Rock’s interview with Bernie Sanders.

Campaign strategy

TLR: Good evening, Senator. It’s a pleasure to talk to you.

Sanders (managing a grimace): Good to be here.

TLR: Let’s talk about your campaign strategy. In 2016, you captured the hearts and minds of young people with promises of free college, universal health care, a $15 national minimum wage and the largest peacetime expansion of government in U.S. history. This time around, you appear to be focusing primarily on octogenarian voters. Why the switch?

Sanders: Look, I’m the only candidate on either side appealing directly to younger voters by calling for a revolution. They love it, so that’s why I keep saying it.

But right now, I need deep pockets to finance my grassroots campaign, and let’s be clear: kids don’t have any money. None. So why chase after nothing? Also, younger people don’t vote, and to win an election, you’ve got to get the voters to the polls. You’ve got to. Older people will die in line waiting to pull the lever.

TLR: But isn’t that a betrayal of your …

Sanders: Look, it’s not a betrayal. If I am elected president, they’ll get everything I’m promising them and more. We’ll forgive their college debt, buy them victrolas, guarantee them jobs, paid vacations, free marijuana, you name it. But I can walk and chew Black Jack gum at the same time. I’m not going to spend all my time preaching to the Millennial choir this time around.

Sanders’ fitness

TLR: On to the next subject. A recent NBC News/Wall Street Journal public opinion poll indicated that the two least desirable traits of presidential candidates were being above the age of 75 and a socialist. You’re blatantly, unapologetically both. What do you have to say about the survey?

Sanders (snoring):

TLR: Senator?

Sanders (snoring):

TLR: Senator Sanders!

Sanders (awakens with a start): What? It is dinnertime?

TLR: I’ll just write that you replied ‘no comment’. Let’s move on.

Presidential candidates

TLR: Senator, any thoughts about the list of presidential candidates you’ll be competing with in 2020?

Sanders: Look, Donald Trump is the most racist, sexist, homophobic, bigoted president in history. He also has bad hair, a stupid face, a fat stomach, his feet smell, his voice is annoying, he’s a jobbernowl and his knees look weird.

TLR: Sir, I was actually referring to your fellow Democratic candidates.

Sanders: Look, I like Elizabeth Warren, she’s old lady hot. If she says she meant to write ‘American Indianan’ on that Texas bar application, then I believe her. But no, I never fooled around with her.

TLR: Riiight. What about Governor Hickenlooper, Senator Cory Booker and the rest?

Sanders: Look, let’s be clear. You’re never going to have a President Hickenlooper. It sounds like a disease. (Raising his voice and waving his arms in mock distress). “President Hickenlooper, President Hickenlooper, please, please save us!” I don’t think so. Also, can you imagine a ‘President Cory’ in office? I can’t. As for the rest? I don’t even remember who they are. If I don’t know, America doesn’t either.

Income inequality

TLR: Oookay then. Let’s talk about income inequality.

Sanders: Look, I remember when you could buy a burger, fries and a Coke and get change back from your dime. I used to take the change and catch a talkie at the neighborhood Nickelodeon and go home with a shiny Buffalo nickel in my pocket. Can you do that today? No, you cannot. It’s a rigged system!

TLR: Well, that was like 70+ years ago. How do you make goods and services more affordable for the average American in today’s day and age?

Sanders (snoring):

TLR: Senator?

Sanders (snapping awake and shaking a fist): We need a revolution!

TLR (packing up): Thank you, Senator.

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