Within the typical ensemble cast of movie and television productions, there are a number of well-defined stereotypes: the leader, the weaselly lieutenant, the muscle-bound dumbass, the nurturing female, and of course, the whiner.
Afraid of his own shadow, the whiner is a contrarian, someone who loudly questions the wisdom of making any choices that don’t involve hiding or running. They’d cower behind small children or kittens rather than face up to an adversary. And yet, there is always a heart of gold buried just underneath the chicken feathers.
The following are some of the greatest examples of the whiny-yet-loveable stereotype in movie and television history:
The Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz
Perhaps the archetypal whiny-yet-loveable character, the Cowardly Lion was originally created by Lyman Frank Baum in 1899 in the book The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Although there were ten early film iterations of the story before the Judy Garland/Ray Bolger/Jack Haley/Bert Lahr MGM version in 1939, the latter is the only one that stands the test of time.
Lahr’s Cowardly Lion is, quite literally, afraid of his own shadow. A typical exchange:
Cowardly Lion: All right, I’ll go in there for Dorothy. Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I’ll tear them apart. I may not come out alive, but I’m going in there. There’s only one thing I want you fellows to do.
Tin Woodsman, Scarecrow: What’s that?
Cowardly Lion: Talk me out of it!
The lion is, of course, traveling to Oz seeking courage, and deep down he’s a big, lovable, walking stuffed animal. Shave him down, dress him in fatigues and stick an M14A pulse rifle in his hands and you have:
Hudson from Aliens
Yes, he was a marine and carried a rifle, but he’d rather be anywhere else but LV-426, the desolate rock his platoon landed on in a mission to rescue over 100 civilian colonists. With a high, quavery voice, the following lines capture his inner id:
Hudson: Oh yeah, sure! With those things runnin’ around? You can count me out.
Hudson: Aw, man, and I was gettin’ short. Four more weeks and out. Now I’m gonna buy it on this rock! Aw, man.
Hudson: Well that’s great, that’s just fucking great, man. Now what the fuck are we supposed to do? We’re in some real pretty shit now man.
When all hell breaks looks, Hudson stands tall against the alien horde, smoking a half-dozen of the slithery critters while bellowing compound verbs frowned upon in the #MeToo era. Resurrect him from the dead, dress him in a three-piece suit, sending him to finishing school and age him 30 years or so and you have:
Ted Baxter from Mary Tyler Moore
Ted Baxter was urbane, pompous, and dumb as a box of rocks. His character is on display in this exchange:
Lou: Put it on an idiot card for Ted.
Ted: Cue cards, Lou. I don’t know why everyone insists on calling cue cards ‘idiot cards’.
Murray: We just have trouble thinking of you as a ‘cue’.
Ted’s blubbering became a staple of the show, and yet deep down he was a kind-hearted moron. Now, wrap him in tin, add a British accent and you have:
C3PO from Star Wars
While modeled after Stan Laurel from Laurel & Hardy, C3PO was burdened with a ridiculously ineffective exoskeleton. At least R2D2 had wheels and doubled as a toilet.
His fluency in whining was typified with this remark:
C3PO: I really don’t see how that is going to help! Surrender is a perfectly acceptable alternative in extreme circumstances! The Empire may be gracious enough to…
[Han signals to Leia, who shuts 3PO down]
As well as this:
C3PO: Oh, oh, that’s much better. Wait… wait. Oh, my! What have you done? I’m BACKWARDS. You flea-bitten furball! Only an overgrown mop-head like you would be stupid enough to…
[Chewie switches 3PO off]
Despite the histrionics, he was a beloved member of the ensemble cast. Scrunch him into a donkey suit, lower his voice four octaves and slow down his speech patterns by 80% and you have:
Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh
Eeyore is the most contrarian character on this list. Everything’s a downer, and nothing will ever work. It’s a small wonder he was never seen swinging from a rope.
Three quotes that highlight his personality:
Eeyore: It isn’t mine. Then again, few things are.
Eeyore: Not much of a house. Just right for not much of a donkey.
Eeyore: End of the road… nothing to do… and no hope of things getting better. Sounds like Saturday night at my house.
However, despite popping Prozac as it it were Pez, Eeyore was loved by children of all ages. Stand him on two legs, grow him a greasy beard and reshape his eyes into beady pinpoints and you have:
Angel Martin from The Rockford Files
Nobody was as conniving as Angel. He’d steal from his best friend, and in The Rockford Files, frequently did just that. He was also the poster boy for cowardice.
The following exchange with Jim Rockford happened after yet another ridiculous blunder by Angel:
Jim: Angel, you are driving me crazy, you understand me, I’m going crazy, I can’t take it anymore!
Angel: Jimmy!
Jim: Years and years and years, I’m goin’ out of my mind, with your stupid and ridiculous lies and games, year after year!
Angel: You’re jammin’ my windpipe!
Jim: Look at me, look at me, look at me!
Angel: Jimmy?
Jim: Just don’t say anything. Just don’t … say … anything!
Angel: Jimmy?
Jim: What?!
Angel: I’m sorry. A stick of fruit gum?
Despite his betrayals and petty crimes, Angel helped Jim out of fixes, although he was usually the one who put him there. Fatten him up, shave his beard and head and add a New York accent and you have:
George Costanza from Seinfeld
Nobody portrayed whiny cowardice better than George Costanza. To wit:
George: I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic. It’s a pleasure.
George: My life is the complete opposite of everything I want to be.
George: My name is George. I’m unemployed and live with my parents.
George: My whole life has been a complete waste of time.
As well as this:
George: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I’m a United States postal worker.
George: Aren’t those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes
There you have it. Seven of the most whiny-yet-lovable characters in television and motion picture history. Admit it: you love them, even if you sometimes just want to beat the crap out of them. If you do, remember that R2D2 doubles as a toilet.
