It goes without saying that there are a lot of dogs and cats in the world. One hell of a lot. It’s impossible to say for sure, but there are an estimated 525 million dogs and 600 million cats on the planet. Coupled with feral versions of both species and not counting cartoon animals that wear shirts and go bowling, there are well over a billion of the furry critters licking themselves or sleeping as we speak.
In the United States, about 40% of households have at least one dog, and a third own one or more cats. With that said, they are all basically the same. After the cuddly, adorable early months, they slowly become overfed, napping fur. They wake up occasionally to chase bugs, play ball or soil the rug, but for the most part, they sleep. Think of them as furry Strom Thurmonds.
It doesn’t have to be that way. As much as we call them “family”, they’re actually our property. With a little inventiveness, your pet can become something useful, even interesting. With a little additional work, it can even become a conversation piece not starting with “you won’t believe what he coughed up today.” Yes, that’s another Strom Thurmond reference.
With that said, the following are a few ways you can spice up your pet and make it something entertaining:
Name it something interesting
Not every dog or cat has to be named “Bella” or “Lucy”. What about “Floccinaucinihilipilification”? Per Dictionary.com, it means “the estimation of something as valueless”. That seems appropriate.
Don’t shorten it to “Flocksie” or “Flo”; insist upon using its full name. Picture the frown on the veterinary assistant’s face as she tries to type it on that little label for the tapeworm medication bottle. How about your friends, who won’t be able to get it right in a million years? And don’t let your two-year old call it “doggy” or “kitty”, either. Just imagine the hours of amusement that await you, teaching a toddler how to say a twelve syllable name.
If you really want to have fun, give it a middle name like Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
Reinvent your dog
Australia is a weird country, with all sorts of strange animals hopping around — including the the dingo. Why should they have all the fun?
Insist that your dog is a dingo. Call it one every time you praise it (“good dingo!”) and always refer to it that way in public. When someone asks what kind of dog you have, indignantly reply, “It’s not a dog. It’s a dingo.” Ask the grocer where they keep the dingo food, and when they hesitate, boil over in anger: “There’s millions of freaking dingoes in this country and you don’t even have any damn food for them?”
Dye your cat
Basically, all cats are either gray, white, brown, orange or black. There are way more colors on the color wheel than that. Use something eco-friendly and non-toxic so not to offend the Millennials, and dye it an interesting color or two. Have fun!
Dog lamp
In every dog show, the handler must demonstrate firm control of the animal. Even as a blue-haired judge in orthopedic shoes touches it in an invasive manner, it must remain locked in place like a Fisher-Price toy.
Put that willful humiliation to good use: train it to sit like a statue, put a lampshade and light bulb assembly on its head, and voila! You’ve got a decorative lamp that wags its tail … if you allow it. But you won’t, because you’d much rather …
Play God
In a way, you already do. Unless it’s a cat, your pet considers you life-giving lord and master. Take it one step further, overlord: cross-breed them in interesting and unusual ways.
Hybridization has already given us the zebroid (zebra + horse), wholfin (bottlenose dolphin + false killer whale), and grolar bear (grizzly bear + polar bear), among other Jurassic Park-style monsters. Work with a breeder to create the world’s first zog (zebra/dog), zat (zebra/cat), polarkeet (polar bear/parakeet) or if you’re really daring, a paracoutbatog (parakeet/cow/trout/bat/dog). At least that last one might be edible.
There you have it. Five ways to take your ordinary, ho-hum pet and make it far more interesting. Whether it becomes useful furniture or you’re just changing the rules of how the game is played, take note: at least there’s no advocacy for them to become part of the food chain. Well, probably not.
