After a seven minute plunge through the Martian atmosphere, NASA’s InSight probe landed successfully on the red planet, beginning an extended study of Mars’ geological and evolutionary processes. Hours after sending a beep to signal that it was in good working condition, the lander transmitted reams of data and images back to Earth, quickly confirming what scientists have long suspected: the red planet blows.
The first Mars memo
A leaked Sol 1 memorandum written by NASA shortly after the initial data was received complained that InSight was “just going to sit there, shuffling around in the soil like a pig and proving for the millionth time that there’s nothing whatsoever going on up there. We’ll get the same old pictures of red dirt we’ve seen since Viking imaged the surface in the mid-70’s, and that’s assuming it doesn’t break down like the Spirit Rover did. Stupid Chinese manufacturing.”
The name of the mission came up as well. “InSight is an acronym for Interior Exploration using Seismic Investigations, Geodesy and Heat Transport. Dude, that is such a reach.” It continued, “We’ve all rented Total Recall, right? That was way cooler than anything we’re going to see up there.” The memo asked rhetorically, “do we really need to spend $875 million to study dirt again?”
To the people who got me here, and all the fans who have cheered me on, this one’s for you! Now let's all catch our breath before the deep science begins. https://t.co/3GQNAjWwMY #MarsLanding
— NASA InSight (@NASAInSight) November 27, 2018
The red planet is ‘dismal’
“Mars is a dismal planet,” asserted the memo. “Think North Dakota eleven months out of the year, or maybe Lancaster, California.” The memorandum painted a bleak picture of the Martian ecosystem, noting there were no trees, flowers, or moss anywhere to be found. “There isn’t even a damn beetle crawling around up there,” the writer fumed. “Salt Lake City is more interesting than that.”
The communication finished by questioning the point of yet another boondoggle to a ‘dreadful’ planet and ended with a simple conclusion: “Mars sucks”.
Boycotting Mars
Although the memo will likely never be officially released, two directives from the leaked version caused a stir on social media. The first suggested not to waste time looking at the planet. “When we gaze at the stars, our imaginations light up, envisioning civilizations living on planets throughout the heavens,” explained the writer. “We know there’s nothing on Mars, so what’s the point? In fact, we recommend not paying any attention to the information we release from InSight.”
Furthermore, the memo called for the destruction of key existing literature and materials regarding Mars. “Every print copy of The Martian Chronicles should be burned. All Google Mars programs should be deleted, with the users’ hard drives destroyed to ensure no data survives.” The memorandum made a final recommendation: “We advise never speaking the M-word aloud ever again.”
InSight is slated to waste time for the next two years, unless the mission is extended by NASA or, more likely, the probe falls apart.
