Within the next fifteen years, NASA hopes to prove the existence of intelligent life on Wyoming.
“That’s the plan,” said Mission Design Team Manager Dr. Barry Umenema when asked about the recently green-lighted Cheyenne probe. “With water, oxygen, and complex organic molecules we call ‘rodeos’ already on Wyoming’s surface, the building blocks of life are there. We just need to go take a look.”
Wyoming and a spirit of cooperation
Cheyenne, short for Chemicals and Yeast in Corona Beer, will be a joint endeavor between NASA and the European Space Agency (ESA). On the drawing board for nearly twenty years, Cheyenne will cost an estimated $2.5 billion and, according to a Trump administration spokesperson, will be paid for by Mexico.
“It’s an ambitious project,” remarked Umenema. “Much like the Mars InSight lander, Cheyenne’s primary task will be to simulate a Japanese tourist and take a million pictures.” He winked and said, “We hope to snap images of little green Wyomingite bastards running around on the surface.”
An orbiter and a lander
The undertaking will be modeled after Cassini-Huygens, NASA’s landmark survey of the Saturnian system. The Saturn probe consisted of an orbiter (Cassini) that studied the planet, its rings and moons, and Hyugens, an ESA-built lander sent to the surface of Titan, Saturn’s largest moon.
“Ours will be very similar to that mission,” said Umenema. “The orbiter will encircle and study Wyoming’s host planet, while the lander will touch down on the surface of Wyoming. If all goes according to plan, the lander will beam data to the orbiter, which will in turn transmit back to Earth.”
Cheyenne trajectory
According to Umenema, the flight time to Wyoming will take twelve years. “Wyoming is 0.00001215053 astronomical units (AU) from Mission Control in Houston, so the logistics are challenging,” he said. “The trajectory of the probe will include a gravitational slingshot around Jupiter. That will allow it to pick up speed for the remainder of the trip to Wyoming.”
Umenema later provided a one-minute video clip developed by NASA showing how complex calculations such as those that go into the Cheyenne flight plan are performed.
Cheyenne objectives
“We’ve detected vast amounts of oil and methane underneath the surface of Wyoming,” indicated Umenema. “Which begs the question: is Wyoming’s weather predicated on a hydrocarbon cycle as on Titan, or a water cycle like here on Earth?”
Asked whether he believed the mission would provide conclusive evidence of intelligent life on Wyoming, he was circumspect. “Based upon the available data, we believe there is life on Wyoming,” he said. “But is there intelligent life?” He paused, shrugging his shoulders. “That’s the debate we’ve been having since Wyoming was first discovered in 1890.”
First contact
If intelligent life is found to exist on Wyoming, then what? “The Lander will be equipped with a cigarette machine, in case indigenous Wyomingites enjoy a smoke,” said Umenema. “It’ll also have a jukebox filled with songs like ‘Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow up to Be Cowboys’ and ‘Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off’. Lastly, we hope they like beer, because it’ll be chock full of ice-cold Budweiser.”
Cheyenne won’t be capable of interactivity with higher forms of life, but a NASA spokesman said the mission could pave the way for a manned voyage to Wyoming in the decades to come . “We may want to check out Iceland first, and after that, Alabama. But if there is intelligent life on Wyoming, we expect Congress to some day authorize a manned expedition there.” He paused, and then said with a smile, “Remember, I said if.”
