Review: ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ Shoots Blanks As a Modern Romantic Comedy

Money. Power. Red hair. Graying beards. With those as bullet points, you’d be forgiven for fondly recalling Garry Marshall’s smash 1990 hit Pretty Woman. Sadly, the bullets in director Kathryn Bigelow’s (The Hurt Locker) grim Zero Dark Thirty are all too real, snuffing out any chance the film has of becoming a classic romantic comedy.

It’s a tactical misfire, as Zero Dark Thirty actress Jessica Chastain (The Martian, Interstellar) bears a striking resemblance to Pretty Woman lead Julia Roberts, who rose to stardom following its release. For that matter, Simon Abkarian (cleverly cast as “Detainee on Monitor”) looks eerily like one of the extras walking on the sidewalk during the Rodeo Drive boutique scene when Roberts’ hooker character Vivian buys up half the store using the credit card of pimp Edward Lewis (Richard Gere). Finally, although Pretty Woman hotel manager Hector Elizondo was not in Zero Dark Thirty, he could easily have played a Syrian sheikh had Bigelow merely possessed one ounce of foresight.

Zero Dark Thirty begins with a thud

With those similarities in hand, hopes were high that Zero Dark Thirty might ascend to the pantheon of classic romantic comedies. Alas, those dreams were quickly dashed, as Bigelow unwisely crafts an early, disturbing twist to the standard boy-meets-girl format.

Instead of a soaring ballad in the gentle rain, lead interrogator Dan (unevenly played by Jason Clarke) blares painfully loud heavy metal while waterboarding a suspected terrorist in a secret interrogation facility. The partial nudity shown while the terrorist is pulled around the room on a dog leash did little to assuage the concerns of the mostly female audience I sat with, setting the stage for even greater disappointment as the movie progressed.

No chemistry

Maya (Chastain) easily possesses the girl-next-door beauty and quick wit required of a female romantic comedy lead. With that said, she doesn’t seems to understand that the audience fully expects  chemistry with the male lead. For unfathomable reasons, she fails to show a shred of romantic interest in any of the men she interacts with throughout the movie — not Dan, not the detainees on monitor or DEVGRU operators, not even CIA Director Leon Panetta. Jessica, it’s a central tenet of all romantic comedies that romance be involved. It’s 50% of the phrase!

To be fair, Maya has the intestinal fortitude displayed by many of Julia Roberts’ screen personas. She spits out an array of multi-syllabic and two-word vulgarities only occasionally uttered by Doris Day in her movies and almost never said in the more contemporary Sleepless in Seattle, The Mirror Has Two Faces or You’ve Got Mail. The expletives directed at Panetta (ineptly played by Sopranos veteran James Gandolfini) are perhaps deserved, but considering that he was confused as to what gender his character was supposed to be, felt cruel. Ms. Bigalow, take note: other than for comedic relief, exaggerated effeminate qualities in a key authoritative male figure rarely work.

Up and down moments

There were brief times where the film’s tempo and pace finally hit their stride, such as when Maya and gal pal Jessica (Jennifer Ehle) vamp it up Sex in the City style in Islamabad. Unfortunately, that promising moment ends abruptly, as their hotel is destroyed by a car bomb. Later, Maya decides to go for a leisurely Sunday drive in the country (perhaps to sing a dreamy love song with the wind in her hair?) but is met with a hail of gunfire before she can get out of her driveway.

The movie’s last thirty minutes is where Bigelow’s misadventure completely goes off the rails. Eschewing a normal, thrilling romantic finale, Bigalow leaves Maya in the dust at the airport while Navy SEALS proceed to blow things up and cap a bunch of bad guys, including al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden (playing himself). Other than in the final moments of Pillow Talk when Rock Hudson is kidnapped at knife point by a doctor and his nurse, violent crime almost never happens in a romantic comedy.

My rating

Although the term ‘groundbreaking’ is normally used in a positive context, I believe this movie breaks ground in a negative manner. The many dark, violent scenes scattered throughout Zero Dark Thirty doom it to be a failure as a romantic comedy. As such, the movie gets a big thumbs down from this reviewer.

* 1/2 stars