Known for their unconventional approach to team building, the Seattle Seahawks struck gold in the Pete Carroll era with diminutive quarterback Russell Wilson (3rd round, 2012), starting tailback Chris Carson (7th round, 2017), wide receiver Doug Baldwin (undrafted free agent, 2011), and numerous others, including departed cornerback Richard Sherman (5th round, 2011). Literally their biggest acquisition just inked a contact for the remainder of the season, as 7’1″, 325-pound former NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal is headed to Seattle to play wide receiver for the playoff-hopeful Seahawks.
“If you got the game, you got the game,” said O’Neal, when asked about his qualifications to play wide receiver in the National Football League. “If I were a painter, you’d be calling me Shaqcasso.”
Pete Carroll’s reaction
Head coach Pete Carroll was effusive in his praise of O’Neal, whom he said will play slot receiver. “Man, don’t you just love it?” he exclaimed, flashing his signature grin. “Don’t you? He’s gonna chug his butt down the field, and after a quick rest, camp out in the end zone, just like he did under the net in the NBA. He’s over seven feet tall! The defensive backs will look like Smurfs or Oompa Loompas compared to him.” Carroll folded his arms. “Wilson can just throw it up there for a score every single time. Piece of cake.”
Wide receiver Doug Baldwin agreed. “So maybe he can’t block, run, or even grasp the most basic elements of an NFL offense. He can stand in the end zone and reach up, can’t he?”
Shaq’s role in the Seahawks’ offense
Using a white board, Carroll diagrammed how O’Neal could make an immediate impact on his offense. “See all these O’s lined up opposite the X’s?” He pointed to individual ones and explained, “That one is Chris Carson, that one is Tyler Lockett, the little hobbity one is Russell Wilson, and that always-injured lookin’ one is C.J. Prosise.” He smiled and said, “Now, check out the big, fat O standing in the middle of the end zone, eating a jelly doughnut and sucking down a Pepsi. That’s Shaq!”
Carroll redrew the board, putting every X right next to the fat O in the end zone like a swarm of angry bees. He then drew a dotted line between Wilson’s tiny O and Shaq’s fat one to simulate the ball being lobbed in his direction. “Touch-frickin’-down!”
O’Neal’s contract
The terms of the deal were not announced, but sources close to the negotiations reported that the Seahawks signed O’Neal for the league minimum, with the unusual proviso that he receive a case of Pepsi and a pair of Reebok sneakers for each touchdown he scores.
Asked about his contract, O’Neal replied, “I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, and wear Reebok. I’m the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I’m the Alpo of the NFL.” His agent translated Shaq’s hip-hop response as meaning the sneakers and soda pop would be giveaways at “Shaq A Claus 2018” for disadvantaged children in need of size 22 shoes and Pepsi.
Again..
I would like to Thank all my partners for their support with Shaq A Claus 2018
This will be an awesome event for the kids
Merry Christmas pic.twitter.com/VwNANrHeQJ— SHAQ (@SHAQ) December 7, 2018
Schottenheimer drawing up plays
Seahawks offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer indicated that he has already devised plays involving Shaq standing in the end zone with his hands held high. “One we call ‘X-Ray Shaq Fu Right’ where he stands on the right side of the end zone with his hands up. For ‘Corner Left Kazaam’, he stands to the left and holds his hands high. And in ‘Shaq Steel Middle Wheel’, well, it pretty much works the same as the other two.”
He smiled, a gleam in his eye. “The possibilities are endless.”
O’Neal’s availability
Due to conflicts with the shooting of his new movie Shaq to the Future, O’Neal will not be available for the nationally televised Monday Night Football contest against the Minnesota Viking. He is expected to be activated for the game with the 49ers the following Sunday, as the Seahawks march their way toward the playoffs.
“I can’t wait to see him stand there in the end zone with a stadium full of fans going nuts and the national television exposure of the playoffs,” said Carroll. “Nobody works harder at standing there than Shaq.” Carroll waved his index finger, as if to emphasize the point. “Nobody.”
