President Trump Enjoys 100% Popularity in New Poll

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Despite a record-high administration turnover rate, the prospects of a slowing economy and the persistent threat of the Mueller investigation, a recent poll suggests that not only will President Trump be re-elected in 2020, but will do so with 100% of the popular vote.

Biloxi, Mississippi rally

Trump ventured to Biloxi, Mississippi on November 26th to attend a rally in support of incumbent senator Cindy Hyde-Smith’s re-election. Hyde-Smith was ultimately successful, but the breaking news was the clear, unequivocal support the American public showed for President Trump in the 15,000-seat Mississippi Coast Coliseum.

“Did you hear that crowd?” marveled long-time Republican political strategist Frank Luntz. “Everybody hates the Democrats! The president gave an eloquent, statesmanlike performance and the American public showered him with the love and affection he so richly deserves. I don’t want to hear about impeachment, or pee-pee tapes, or any other fake news the left-wing media throws against the wall. Tonight proved that America absolutely, positively loves Trump.”

The Biloxi Poll

As a condition of entry, attendees were asked if Trump’s performance in office so far has been “great”, “good”, or “okay”. The responses were tallied over the next hour and announced with a flourish to the wildly cheering crowd. Per the results of the scientific poll, Trump has the support of 100% of the American public.

Statistically relevant sample size

“You have to understand the concept of sample sizes,” said Luntz. “A statistically relevant sample size needs to be large enough to smooth out the results.” He paused, then gave an example. “If you poll two bleeding heart socialists about whether or not Hillary Clinton belongs in jail and both say no, that’s just stupid because she obviously does. On the other hand, if you ask fifteen thousand red-blooded, flag-waving, gun-toting Americans if they love Trump and they all say yes, the results are as clear as Don Jr.’s “daddy” complex. We did, and they were: 15,000 – 0. The final tally proves that every man, woman and child in America loves Donald Trump.”

Asked how he could possibly believe what he was saying, Luntz replied, “We’ve got a record low unemployment rate, two new conservative judges, a big tax cut, and ratings for reruns of The Apprentice have never been higher. And let’s not forget Trump’s hugely popular plan to sell Hawaii and New Mexico to Saudi Arabia.”

Ten days later and shortly after his “Executive Time” nap, President Trump celebrated his record popularity on Twitter:

Election impact

In 2016, approximately 139 million people turned out to cast their ballots for president, with Clinton winning 65.9 million to Trump’s 63 million. “We figure it’ll be about 145 million in 2020,” estimated Luntz. “The Democrats will nominate a crazy old socialist like Bernie, a crazy young socialist like Beto or a crazy Pocahontas socialist like Elizabeth Warren and get smocked by Individual-1. Smocked!”

He paused, considering the consequences. “With the president at 100% popularity, do the math: Hillary Clinton will vote for Trump, Joe Biden will vote for Trump, Nancy Pelosi will vote for Trump, even Melania will cast her ballot for the president. He’ll win the popular vote by approximately 145 million to zero.”

Military mobilization

The general election is scheduled for November 3, 2020. “Unless there’s a military coup,” said Luntz. “Seriously, I hear that crazy Bernie will probably try something like that. He’s always calling for “revolution” and riling up his band of socialist misfits. Word on the streets is that a caravan is forming in Vermont right now and will soon be heading our way”.

Fox News reported hours later that 10,000 active-duty troops had been sent by the Pentagon to the Vermont border in response to the new caravan threat.

Editor’s note: the scientific poll taken at the Biloxi rally had a margin of error of – 100%.

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