A psychopathic bird. Three brothers festering with venereal disease. An effeminate bear that doubles as a choking hazard. Product mascots and their frequent intersections with the law of unintended consequences are replete throughout advertising history.
Although typically more boring than annoying, there are plenty of examples of the latter. We can’t help but secretly wish that Snuggle Bear is ripped to shreds by the family dog, or that the Pillsbury Dough Boy ends up baked alive. Who wouldn’t like to swat the crap out of Buzz the Bee (Honey Nut Cheerios) or beat the crap out of the sexually confused Sonic dudes?
Disturbing mascots
The aforementioned mascots are certainly terrible, but nothing worse than that. They probably aren’t going to be served a restraining order or suck your blood (more on that in a minute). They just suck.
But that’s just the B-list. There’s a whole trove of mascots who are a lot worse than them, on many levels. Culling the list down wasn’t easy, but we rolled up our sleeves and did just that. Without further ado, the following are ten examples of mascots that range from creepy to downright terrifying.
Colonel Sanders
That unflinching, grinning rictus amidst the most rampant display of gallinicide the world has ever known not only makes the Colonel literally a zombie, but automatically elevates him to the mascots A-list.
Drive through the business district of just about any town and you’ll see it — that face, with those dead eyes and impish smirk — on what can best be described as a tombstone for billions of dismembered chickens. Hungry?
Cap’n Crunch
It’s bad enough that you poison yourself with every spoonful. Just take a good, hard look at the Cap’n and you’ll see it yourself: his eyebrows are nailed to his hat. He “captains” what can only be described as a ghost ship, and it’s even clear to children that there is something seriously wrong with him. In technical terminology, he’s a fucking loon.
Would anyone really be surprised if on the front of the box was an image of a weeping, self-loathing Cap’n with a bottle of whiskey in one hand, pills in the other and a noose around his neck?
Count Chocula
This is a product being pitched by a creature who sustains himself by feeding on the blood of the living. Yes, he sucks too. .
Jack from Jack in the Box
Jack is battling a paraphilia disorder, which places him on this list of disturbing mascots. But there’s much, much more. Check out the dog collar commercial above as exhibit A. There’s another one where he’s watching porn on his laptop in the family living room while his wife bustles about. Talk about a sociopath.
Jack exhibits at least four, and perhaps as many as nine, of the symptoms of paraphilia. Chemical castration is definitely in his future.
Ronald McDonald
Ronald McDonald is a clown, and all clowns are evil. Furthermore, he shills the products of one of the world’s most unhealthy fast food chains.
Most of all: Ronald spends far too much time in the company of children.
Flo from Progressive
Flo has been fed upon by the Count, peeped by Jack and creeped by Ronald. Watch the movie Insidious and you’ll see her family with scary, fun house grins. And shotguns.
Flo will someday be on the other end of the hostage negotiations.
Quiznos rats
Note to Quiznos’ advertising agency: rats are incredibly awful mascots for a fast food sandwich, especially one which has been known to have rat feces in it.
Seriously, why the hell would they use rats as mascots? That’s not a rhetorical question — yell the answer at your cell phone. Pretend you’re grandma.
Smiling Bob from Enzyte
A NSFW version of this commercial is one of the things Jack was watching on his laptop. Without question, Smiling Bob has simply lost his mind, as have you if you shell out good money for this ripoff supplement.
On the plus side, Smiling Bob may have the most punchable face this side of Jared. Speaking of which …
Jared from Subway
What did anyone ever see in this guy? Jared was creepy before it was known what kind of perverted asshat he really was.
Fortunately, he’ll be sleeping three feet from a toilet for the next ten years.
Burger King
There. Are. No. Words. Actually there are words, all synonyms of “disturbing”: disconcerting, ominous, creepy, bothersome, unsettling, unpleasant, and alarming, to name just a few.
If this dolt had an ounce of self-respect, he’d run from the room screaming like a girl. The sexual tension at the end will bring the Whopper you had an hour ago right back up.
Haha! I laughed so hard while reading this post! You hit most of these spot on. I kind of have a soft spot for Flo from Progressive because I’ve grown up with those ads but in retrospect, she is a pretty basic character which makes her very disturbing.
Thanks Anne! I appreciate your reading it and the kind words.
Nice post. I really enjoyed reading your post