Up is down, black is white. Dogs and cats, living together. The first two years of Donald Trump’s tenure as president have been as disruptive as promised, with more on the way as investigations heat up and windstorms continue to blow.
Hedging a repeat of the middle-America strategy that swept him into office in 2016, Trump plans to court “the craziest of the crazy” liberal voters, according to three anonymous sources. The approach? Solving global warming by switching to the metric system.
70% of Americans believe in climate change
According to a recent survey conducted by the Yale Program on Climate Change Communication, seven out of ten Americans believe climate change is happening. “Trump absolutely believes in global warming when it’s hot outside, like during the summer,” explained one of the sources. “But as winter approaches, he doesn’t buy into it. Not at all.”
Brutal and Extended Cold Blast could shatter ALL RECORDS – Whatever happened to Global Warming?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 22, 2018
Nevertheless, President Trump’s caged-animal governing style is what led him to consider the notion of solving the progressive cause celebre of climate change in order to peel off liberal support. With less Russian assistance in 2020 almost a certainty, the president will attempt to counter that challenge by wooing Dr. Jill Stein’s 2016 voters.
His preferred approach, all three sources confirmed, is to tackle global warming. “Trump refers to her as ‘Dr. Low I.Q.’ in staff meetings,” said one source, “but he believes winning over her pot-smoking acolytes could be the key to his re-election. He says that over and over again.” The source smirked and quipped, “After that, he reminds us that there was no collusion and that the Mueller investigation is a witch hunt”.
Solving global warming with the metric system
The sources indicated that Trump will declare the imperial system of weights and measures “totally dead” in May or June of next year. Once that happens, the U.S. will switch to the metric system.
“Here’s Trump’s take on the matter, basically word for word,” said the first source. “When told that 90 degrees Fahrenheit was 32 degrees Celsius, Trump replied ‘Ooh, that’s frosty!’ When we tried to explain it to him, he said, ‘nobody’s going to worry about global warming when it’s 32 degrees outside, okay?'”
The source continued, “He asked what 100 degrees would be, and when told that was 38 degrees, he said ‘I’d still have to wear a coat.’ We tried and tried to get him to understand, but he had that same look on his face that he gets when the Professor builds a lie detector out of bamboo and radio batteries on Gilligan’s Island. He just stares straight ahead like he’s in a waking coma.”
Trump pointed out another benefit to switching to the metric system. “When we informed him a 250 pound person would weigh 113 kilograms, he said ‘cool, fat chicks can start wearing bikinis again.'”
Perception Trumps reality
“Trump might be a moron,” admitted the third source, “but he’s got the survival instincts of a pill bug. Trump understands exactly how important perception is.” He added, “When Mayor Giuliani previewed Trump’s 2020 campaign slogan ‘Truth Isn’t Truth’ during his infamous interview with Chuck Todd, he was test-marketing his new slogan. He’s decided ‘Truth Isn’t Truth’ is superior to ‘Keep America Great Again’. Moreover, he believes #TIT is a much better acronym than #KAGA, which sounds too much like ‘kegger’ in his mind.” The source snickered, “Trump said he could look at #TITs on the internet all day long.”
Perception applies to Trump’s global warming plan as well. “He’s psyching himself up for the war to win the far left liberal vote, as well as the Nobel Peace Prize,” said the second source. “He’s convinced his ‘secret plan’ will capture the hearts and minds of the ‘stupid left-wing liberals’ and gives himself an A+ for the idea and his presidency in general.” The third source agreed. “He wanders the halls of the White House at night wearing ratty house slippers and an open bath robe, eating Doritos and practicing his speech for winning the Nobel Prize,” he said. “Like Obama, minus the wandering, open robe and Doritos.” The first source winced. “Open robe, huh? Not exactly the kind of #TITs we were all hoping to see.”
All three sources agreed that Trump’s shell-game approach to the issue — and governing in general — is on display with this global warming tweet from 2014:
For those that constantly say that “global warming” is now “climate change”—they changed the name. The name global warming wasn’t working
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 19, 2014
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