Eidetic memory is more commonly known as photographic memory, and here’s a news flash, Jack: you don’t have it. When it comes to the recitation of random facts, you resemble Jim Ignatowski from Taxi a lot more than Raymond from Rain Man.
Make no mistake about it — at times you could pass for either. You’re Iggy at two minutes to midnight on New Year’s eve, and Raymond when you’re droning about how the points tallied up this week for your fantasy football team.
Movie quotes
In most circumstances, you veer erratically from one to the other. For example, you have no problem recalling most of the greatest movie quotes on American Film Institute’s 100 Years … 100 Movie Quotes list. And yet you can also pull out of your ass random, non-sequitur lines from obscure chick flicks or drunken frat-boy films. Since much ado is made of the former, it’s about time attention was paid to the latter.
Thus, the following are some of the all-time greatest movie quotes you probably don’t know, or if you do, you definitely don’t remember. If I’m wrong, wave hello to your inner Rain Man for me.
Note: some of the quotes are definitely on the salty side. Hey, I didn’t write them.
“I’m kind of psychic. I have a fifth sense. It’s like I have ESPN or something.” Mean Girls (2004)
Back when Mean Girls was released, Lindsay Lohan was three years away from her first arrest and still oozing wholesomeness. What’s oozed out of her since then would require biohazardous waste bags to collect. Lindsay was pretending to be a smart girl pretending to not be smart to pretend to be liked by a bunch of pretend friends. That’s literally the entire plot.
The most dimwitted of the mean girls was Amanda Seyfried’s character, who not only utters the line but later landed the role of Linda Lovelace in 2012’s Lovelace. Cue the biohazardous waste bags.
“Usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.” Arthur (1981)
Ah, John Gielgud. He not only surpassed Harry Morgan in terms of career length (1924-2000), but while Morgan looked 80 when he was playing Colonel Potter 30 years before his death, Gielgud could pass for his younger, less irascible English nephew. Even today, his ashes probably look younger than Morgan’s.
“No, fuck you, you ol’ nutless motherfucker!” Farce of the Penguins (2007)
To be clear, this is a bad movie. It’s a parody of 2005’s March of the Penguins, which arguably was a very good movie, if you believe the 95% fresh rating at Rotten Tomatoes or the 7.6 rating it receives at IMDB.com.
With that said, there is something delicious about the narrator (Samuel L. Jackson) arguing onscreen with a main character penguin (voiced by Gilbert Godfrey). It would be like Sebastian Cabot cursing out Winnie the Pooh.
“Wolfman’s got nards!” The Monster Squad (1987)
On balance, director Fred Dekker has had a rather uninspiring career, but this 1987 B-movie gets a surprising 67% “fresh” rating at Rotten Tomatoes.
Perhaps the high point of the flick is after wolf man attacks. Sean screams for Horace to “kick him in the nards” — and he does. As the beast doubles over in pain, Horace’s eyes widen in wonder while saying the above line. He’s lucky the dog doesn’t try to hump his leg.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding.” The Thing (1982)
Charles Hallahan’s character Norris has just revealed himself to be one of the things by biting off the hands of Richard Dysart — with his chest. His neck grows to several feet long as he flings himself to the ceiling. Kurt Russell blasts him with the flame thrower, but amidst the flames, smoke and ensuing fire extinguisher vapor, the head drops unnoticed to the ground, upside-down, sprouting spider legs and antennae. It then starts to scurry out of the room.
No, that’s not a scene from Mary Poppins. The Thing is a classic sci-fi horror film and holds up surprisingly well for a 36-year-old movie considering CGI wasn’t a twinkle in anyone’s eye back then. Reportedly, David Clennon (Thirtysomething) didn’t know what he was going to see until it happened on set and ad-libbed the line. The look on his face is pure gold.
“You know, I could have been in the NSA, but they found out my parents were married.” Sneakers (1992)
Nevertheless, Robert Redford spits the movie quote contemptuously at Eddie Jones and Timothy Busfield (also a Thirtysomething alum). They end up beating the crap out of him, which he richly deserves for being an old man hacker douche.
“Well hello Mister Fancypants. I got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things, right now: Jack and shit … and Jack left town.” Army of Darkness (1992)
Army of Darkness was the third in the Evil Dead trilogy, a Sam Raimi franchise that launched the careers of both the eclectic writer/director as well as lead actor Bruce Campbell.
Campbell’s character Ash has been sucked through a time portal (Hollywood just loves that schtick) to the 12th century and is soon facing certain death by being tossed into “The Pit”. Rival clan leader Henry the Red introduces himself, leading to Ash’s sarcasm-laden reply.
Next time your boss gets on your case, say that to him.
