During the relative infancy of television, The Andy Griffith Show ran for eight pointless seasons (1960 – 1968). Played by Francis Bavier, Aunt Bee was the de facto wife and mother within the Taylor family, sternly making Sheriff Taylor’s (Andy Griffith) lunch with one hand while correctively backhanding Opie (Ron Howard) with the other. Within the formal […]
Read More Aunt Bee Was the Sexiest Woman in Television HistorySeeing his new slogan “BUILD THE WALL AND CRIME WILL FALL!” hilariously mocked on Twitter, President Trump turned to bargaining on the eve of negotiations with Nancy Pelosi over a new Continuing Resolution. BUILD A WALL & CRIME WILL FALL! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 23, 2019 “After a long nap and a gallon […]
Read More Trump Offers New Slogan to Pelosi: “Build the Fence & I’ll Dump Mike Pence”The Los Angeles Rams will move to St. Louis during halftime of their loss to the Patriots in Super Bowl LIII, disclosed team owner Stan Kroenke. “Of course we’re going to lose to New England,” snapped Kroenke after being asked of his team’s chances in the Super Bowl. What kind of question is that?” Turning to his […]
Read More Rams to Move to St. Louis During Halftime of Super Bowl LIII LossWith collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia confirmed, the walls continue to close in on the president. Recognizing the pervasive toxicity of the Trump name, Russian president Vladmir Putin has demanded a quid pro quo in order to provide 2020 assistance, according to multiple insiders. In short, Trump must legally change his name. Speaking anonymously, […]
Read More Exclusive: Putin Orders Trump to Change His NameFollowing the trade of catcher Mike Zunino to the Tampa Bay Rays, the media narrative was set. Owners of major league sports’ longest playoff drought, the Mariners were officially pulling the plug. Bring on the rebuild! To M’s fans, the mere notion of tearing it down to the studs and starting over is beyond depressing. Yes, the […]
Read More No, National Media, the Mariners Are Not RebuildingAs a professional movie pundit, cardinal (ha!) rule #1 is to lead the reader through the review process. Much like a symphony with three movements, you steadily build your case, culminating in a satisfying, vibrant conclusion. Note that I did just that in my review of the disappointing romantic comedy Zero Dark Thirty. In life, there are […]
Read More Review: Netflix Nature Documentary ‘Bird Box’ Is a Fluttering FailureAccording to three anonymous sources, President Trump is concerned that Democrats may be wrong about his promised border wall. The wall: a waste of money? “The president firmly believes Democrat resistance over his wall might be misguided,” said Kellyanne Conway the first source. “After watching Chris Matthews, Rachael Maddow and Lawrence O’Donnell on MSNBC every […]
Read More WH Sources: Trump Concerned Dems May Be Wrong About Border WallAfter a second straight day of negotiations between the White House and Democratic staffers, both sides expressed optimism that a deal to resolve the showdown over President Trump’s promised border wall was close. “I think we’re almost there,” said Acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney to a cadre of reporters. “The president insists […]
Read More Shutdown Update: Dems, GOP ‘Make Hay’ with WallLaunched from Cape Canaveral in 2011, NASA’s Curiosity rover has explored Mars over the past six years, transmitting large quantities of information back to Earth. Upon sifting through thousands of images and petabytes of data, scientists have reached a stunning conclusion: dirt exists on the Red Planet. “We did it!” exclaimed Dr. Peter Piranha, Chief Engineer for […]
Read More Breaking News: NASA’s Curiosity Rover Discovers Dirt on MarsKentucky Fried Chicken began as a depression-era roadside restaurant serving Colonel Harland Sanders‘ famously-seasoned fried chicken. The Trump-before-Trump Sanders would be the one suffering from depression were he still alive, as the fast food giant has agreed to a divestiture of chicken-related assets to settle a $100 million class action lawsuit. Over the next two […]
Read More Report: KFC, (Expletive Deleted) PETA Settle Class Action Lawsuit
