Kentucky Fried Chicken began as a depression-era roadside restaurant serving Colonel Harland Sanders‘ famously-seasoned fried chicken. The Trump-before-Trump Sanders would be the one suffering from depression were he still alive, as the fast food giant has agreed to a divestiture of chicken-related assets to settle a $100 million class action lawsuit. Over the next two years, KFC will switch to offering eco-friendly meats at all of its restaurants.
KFC and PETA come to terms
“KFC is pleased to announce a settlement with the (expletive deleted) animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,” said Jebediah Sanders, great-grandson of founder Harland Sanders. “(Expletive deleted) PETA had made baseless claims about the serial mistreatment of chickens in our production facilities, as if it’s possible to mistreat (expletive deleted) birds to begin with.”
Sanders cleared his throat, then continued. “As our 21st-century corporate culture has evolved to be more (expletive deleted) culturally sensitive to whining Millennials, so must our products reflect the same shift. Therefore, per our settlement with (expletive deleted) PETA, we will begin offering alternative meat choices from animals that add no value to the world whatsoever.”
Everything tastes like chicken
Asked to indicate what meats would be offered, Sanders paused, collecting his thoughts. “(Expletive deleted) PETA has been solely focused on (expletive deleted) chickens. Apparently, much like puppies, Americans find them adorable and don’t want to eat them anymore. We figured whatever, obviously that means they don’t care about ugly animals. We then went to the drawing board and slathered eleven herbs and spices on literally thousands of different critters to see how they tasted.”
He indicated that tests showed moles, pigeons, and pelican chicks were surprisingly delicious. Sanders quipped, “I guess it’s just like they say: everything tastes like (expletive deleted) chicken.”
Turning to rejected alternatives, Sanders reflected on the changes in consumer tastes over the past century. “Most varieties of dogs and cats won’t work anymore,” he lamented. “Pelican chicks are tough to harvest. Deer and real birds like sparrows and robins are plentiful, but not all that hideous.” He turned his palms up and said, “Finally, we came up with a great idea: let’s feed the world and protect the (expletive deleted) environment at the same time.”
Pigeon: the other white meat
“In the end, we selected two (expletive deleted) animals that are not only gross, but environmental disasters,” said Sanders. He paused for effect, then announced KFC’s exciting new meat choices: the mole and the pigeon.
“Moles feed on earthworms, which help keep soil tilled and lawns green,” he pointed out. “They also dig crazy long tunnels, and you just can’t (expletive deleted) ever get rid of them.” With respect to the pigeon, he said, “It’s a well-known fact that a high percentage of fecal matter on our streets and cars come from pigeons. They’re (expletive deleted) disgusting.”
Changing the brand
Sanders indicated a pending name change is a key part of the settlement.
“Obviously, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Kitchen Fresh Chicken, or whatever the (expletive deleted) we’re calling ourselves these days won’t work anymore,” he said. “So we’re choosing a name that allows us to keep our KFC lettering and logo while appeasing the (expletive deleted) Millennials. He paused, then continued: “Kentucky Fried Critters.” He grimaced, then added, “Or Kitchen Fresh Critters. We really don’t give a (expletive deleted).”
PETA acknowledgment
When asked for their perspective on the settlement, a spokesperson for the animal rights organization issued a terse “no comment.” Sanders responded by labeling the organization, “A bunch of (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) and added, “That’s practically a ringing endorsement from those tree huggers.” He pointed to a framed picture of Adolf Hitler hanging on the wall of his office and said, “I’ll bet those (expletive deleted) Nazis even like him.”
Sanders indicated that KFC’s new Chicken Mole sandwich (a pureed blend of the two meats) will be available on a limited basis within weeks. “Chicken mole is already commonly served in Mexican restaurants, so we think it’s a good place to start.” He indicated KFC plans to offer Pigeon Nuggets and Mole Slaw at the NBA All Star game in Charlotte, North Carolina, with crunchy Taco Moles to be introduced nationwide in the fall.
“It’s a brave new world,” said Sanders, a frown on his face. “(Expletive deleted) PETA.”
