Launched from Cape Canaveral in 2011, NASA’s Curiosity rover has explored Mars over the past six years, transmitting large quantities of information back to Earth. Upon sifting through thousands of images and petabytes of data, scientists have reached a stunning conclusion: dirt exists on the Red Planet.
“We did it!” exclaimed Dr. Peter Piranha, Chief Engineer for Guidance, Navigation and Control. “To hell with looking for water or searching for microbial slime. Helllllo, dirt!”
Follow the water
NASA operated under the guiding principle follow the water for decades, with decidedly mixed results. While the Cassini probe detected cryovolcanism and streaming jets of ice crystals on Saturn’s moon Enceladus in 2005, discoveries of large quantities of water have proven elusive, turning up as Frosty the Snowmanesque polar ice caps or Slurpee-like deposits on moons or other celestial bodies.
Following a briefing over the quarter century search for water, President Donald Trump weighed in on NASA’s lodestar philosophy. “Looking for water is stupid,” said the president. “We’ve got plenty of water right here in America. Besides, people tell me you can’t take a bath when it’s like a million degrees below zero on some rock. You’d freeze and explode like that robot in Terminator 2.” Trump added, “If water is so great, why do so many people drink beer? No collusion!”
It is very sad to see what @BarackObama has done with NASA. He has gutted the program and made us dependent on the Russians.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 27, 2012
Acknowledging its failure to confirm significant new water sources and with the president threatening its funding, NASA recognized that something new and different had to be done.
Curiosity: Wallow in the dirt
In a strategic shift, NASA began the first chapter of its latest mantra wallow in the dirt with the touchdown of the Curiosity rover. Nicknamed “Pig-Pen” in honor of the Peanuts character similarly encapsulated in grime, Curiosity utilizes a unique propulsion system initially developed during the Apollo era.
Weighing approximately 2,000 pounds, Curiosity is larger and hardier than previous rovers. “Spirit and Opportunity were wimps,” said Piranha. “They moved at a speed of half an inch a second, and Spirit stupidly broke down and is now a piece of Martian garbage.”
Turning to Curiosity, he said, “Our rover can zip along at over an inch and a half per second. At that speed, it could race from New York to Los Angeles in just four short years.” He smiled and added, “Assuming it doesn’t blow up first.”
Mission objectives
Situated in the middle of Gale Crater, Curiosity will continue to explore its immediate surroundings. “It’s still going to search for boring water,” acknowledged Piranha. “Water previously on the surface of Mars, looking for microscopic bugs, something like that. To be honest, I wasn’t paying attention the day they were talking about it.” His face brightened when asked about the new mission objective. “What we’re really looking forward to is doing doughnuts in the dirt,” he beamed. “Drive it over rocks, park the rover diagonally across two parking spaces, get drunk and see if we can roll it. Man, it’s gonna be a blast.”
Curiosity’s instrumentation includes a geology lab, rocker-bogie suspension, a rock-vaporizing laser and multiple cameras. “The rock-vaporizing laser is way cool,” marveled Piranha, a gleam in his eye. “I am personally going to act like a rednecks on a bender and blast the crap out of stuff.” He grinned. “Just like prom night in Montana.”
The future of Mars
Due to its close proximity to Earth, Mars has long inspired visionaries like Percival Lowell and Ray Bradbury to speculate about advanced societies thriving on the Red Planet. Director Tim Burton even produced a documentary on the subject in 1996, in which humans and Martians finally meet.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCppUtS9vLk
At present, literary depictions are nothing more than thought-provoking flights of fancy. Curiosity continues to inch along the pebble-strewn surface of the fourth planet from the sun, blowing up rocks and rolling in the dirt. That’s one small step for man, one-and-a-half inches for mankind.
