After a second straight day of negotiations between the White House and Democratic staffers, both sides expressed optimism that a deal to resolve the showdown over President Trump’s promised border wall was close.
“I think we’re almost there,” said Acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney to a cadre of reporters. “The president insists on a barrier along our southern border, and after today I believe the Democrats now agree with his vision. At this point, we’re working out the specifics of width and height, timelines, and other details.” Mulvaney noted that President Trump initiated the breakthrough with a January 1 tweet that signaled a willingness to bend by calling the barrier a “wall thing”.
Border Security and the Wall “thing” and Shutdown is not where Nancy Pelosi wanted to start her tenure as Speaker! Let’s make a deal?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 1, 2019
Making hay
When asked what the barrier would be made of, Mulvaney indicated the two sides settled on renewable materials. “The Democrats wouldn’t agree to concrete or steel slats, and when we suggested 24-carat gold, they choked on their doughnuts laughing. Finally, we pulled up Google, typed ‘stuff you can pile up’ and sifted through the results.”
He ticked the options off with his fingers. “Blankets could be stolen by homeless people. Dirt turns to mud as soon as it starts raining. Feathers would blow away in the first stiff breeze. Fecal matter smells gross. When we got to H, we saw something we could all agree upon. It’s renewable, plentiful, solid and best of all, will benefit hard-working American farmers.” Mulvaney paused, smiling, and then revealed the choice: “Let’s just say we’re going to make hay at the border.”
Democrats respond
Asked to confirm Mulvaney’s assertions, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said, “I suppose farmers have to store their hay somewhere. If they want to pile it along the border, whatever.” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was more expansive in his comments. “We had so much leverage in these negotiations, we wouldn’t even agree to a shower curtain. That obviously frustrated the White House.” Schumer cleared his throat, then continued, “While we were on a break, the president personally called me and said, ‘Look, I need something here, I can’t look like a moron to Anne Coulter again. Let me have my rube farmers truck their hay to the border and pile it up good and high, okay? I’ll do the messaging after that.'”
Democratic leadership reluctantly agreed to allow the term ‘hay barrier’ to be used and acknowledged that discussions were still ongoing with respect to details. “I know one thing,” said Schumer, “It sure as heck won’t cost $5.7 billion dollars for a bunch of hick farmers to pile hay bales along the southern border.”
Right wing reaction
Despite prompting Trump’s legislative flip-flop over keeping the government open, right wing media pundit Anne Coulter was non-committal about the hay barrier.
NEW COLUMN IS POSTED! … PLEASE, NO MORE 'BORDER SECURITY' https://t.co/yOTZERmTfX
— Ann Coulter (@AnnCoulter) January 2, 2019
In the White House Green Room, President Trump was effusive in his comments. “We’re going to have a great, great hay barrier,” he bragged. “Big, beautiful hay. It’s going to be very, very strong and powerful. Have you ever had a hay bale land on your head? It could kill you!” When asked how storing hay along the border constituted a wall, Trump replied, “Can you walk through hay bales? No collusion!”
Hay barrier construction
Mulvaney estimated that farmers could truck their hay to the border in a matter of weeks. “Just load up the trucks and head toward Mexico, it’s that simple,” he said. “As a matter of fact, we’ve got some hayseeds heading that way as we speak.”
When estimating the price tag, Mulvaney said, “Based upon current market prices and factoring in the tariff rates, we project the entire cost of the hay barrier will be $5.68 billion less than the president’s previously-requested $5.7 billion. He noted that a bale of hay costs about twenty bucks. “No matter what calculator you use, it just doesn’t add up to very much.”
Mulvaney indicated the resulting cost saving would be put to good use. “We’re looking at offering a tax cut for hard-working European-Americans,” he stated. “One that will incentivize job creation by targeting ‘makers’ instead of ‘takers’, which we view as those making $1 million or more.” Mulvaney smiled and said, “To paraphrase the president: promises made, promises kept.”
This is quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. One match and the whole thing is gone.