According to three anonymous sources, President Trump is concerned that Democrats may be wrong about his promised border wall.
The wall: a waste of money?
“The president firmly believes Democrat resistance over his wall might be misguided,” said Kellyanne Conway the first source. “After watching Chris Matthews, Rachael Maddow and Lawrence O’Donnell on MSNBC every day, he emerges from Executive Time certain the wall is a waste of taxpayer dollars.” She brushed her hair from her face, then continued. “But then he watches Jeanine Pirro, Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity on Fox and becomes convinced it’s imperative for border security. If so, that means Democrats may be wrong about the wall after all.”
Jared Kushner The second source stated that Trump privately agrees with Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “He’s with her on pretty much everything,” he said. “Single payer healthcare, abortion, gun control, you name it. In fact, I don’t think there would be a happier person this side of Bernie Sanders if the U.S. just said screw it and went to full-blown Socialism,” he said. “As long as he remains Premier for life.”
Kushner The source continued, “That said, you can see a change come over him between when she starts talking until the moment Mike Pence gets to him. Dad Trump starts with this dreamy, vaguely horny smile on his face, but as soon as Pence whispers in his ear, his blood begins to boil. Five minutes later, he’s in the middle of a Tweet-storm.”
Just left a meeting with Chuck and Nancy, a total waste of time. I asked what is going to happen in 30 days if I quickly open things up, are you going to approve Border Security which includes a Wall or Steel Barrier? Nancy said, NO. I said bye-bye, nothing else works!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 9, 2019
Trump concerned about charges
“The president is aware of the charge that he only listens to the last person he speaks to,” admitted Vice President Mike Pence the third source. “Inside the White House we all know that’s fake news, spread by state-run propaganda machines like CNN, NBC and The Cartoon Network.”
Pence The source said that Trump’s actions prove those notions to be patently false. “Remember the claim that he embraced a bunch of socialist ideas like gun control and background checks? The tweet from the NRA the very next day proved that to be utterly untrue. The president remains a staunch defender of the Second Amendment.”
I had a great meeting tonight with @realDonaldTrump & @VP. We all want safe schools, mental health reform and to keep guns away from dangerous people. POTUS & VPOTUS support the Second Amendment, support strong due process and don’t want gun control. #NRA #MAGA
— Chris Cox (@ChrisCoxNRA) March 2, 2018
Speaking off the record, Pence the source said that the only charges the president should be worried about are the ones Mueller is likely to bring. “He’s absolutely terrified about that prospect — as he should be,” he revealed. “Collusion, obstruction of justice, and frankly, just being a dillhole in general.” Pence The source then excused himself, indicating that he had to whisper in Trump’s ear what a great president he’d make.
The fate of the wall
Pundits and politicians are jockeying to be the last voice Trump hears on the subject of the border wall. “Rachel Maddow spoke to the president at a cocktail party on Tuesday and got him to agree to drop the idea entirely,” said Conway the first source. “But that very evening, Lindsay Graham convinced him that the wall would forever end all crime in the United States.”
Kushner The second source concurred. “While fetching Dad the president a bag of Doritos and a DVD of Stormy Daniels’ Lust on the Prairie, I saw him and Chuck Schumer yucking it up, having a great time together in the Oval Office,” he said. “I heard Dad the President tell him that Mexicans could go over, under or through the damn thing, so what was the point? The very next day, Mark Meadows had him so worked up about immigrants and brown people that he said he had to shut the government down immediately.”
With no end to the government shutdown in sight, the fate of the wall remains uncertain. “The president has meetings with Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh tomorrow,” said Pence the third source. “So he’ll be ready to give it up in trade for universal healthcare in the morning, and will want us to become Lord of the Flies by dinnertime.” Pence The source shifted in his chair, smiling. “President Pence Source. Sure has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”
