With collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia confirmed, the walls continue to close in on the president. Recognizing the pervasive toxicity of the Trump name, Russian president Vladmir Putin has demanded a quid pro quo in order to provide 2020 assistance, according to multiple insiders. In short, Trump must legally change his name.
Speaking anonymously, one insider explained the rationale behind the decision. “John Kasich has the personality of a jar of mayonnaise and the staying power of a Mexican condom, but he has one huge advantage: he’s not Trump. If he tries to primary the president, Trump needs to be able to say the very same thing. Ditto with respect to the general election, no matter what Socialist the Democrats nominate.”
The Trump name
According to focus group results, the Trump name ranks poorly. “We lost to Charlie Sheen, Aunt Bee, even the fucking Trix rabbit,” lamented the insider. “Look, the guy may have stumbled and bumbled his way through his first two years, but it’s not like Charlie Sheen or Aunt Bee have done much lately, either. Yet they’re still above our guy. Way above.”
He summed it up with the bottom line: “Putin says we need a game-changer.”
Other possibilities
The initial suggestion was a subtle one: McTrump. “That would create an instant identity with the Irish-American community, including stick-up-the-ass Catholics,” said the second insider. “The president even started using phrases like ‘top of the mornin’, lad’ and humming Too Ra Loo Ra Lou Rawls in the Oval Office.” Noticing the startled looks around the room, the insider shook his head. “Don’t ask.”
Subsequent iterations were more daring, yet had greater upside. “It’s not like Abraham Lincoln is still using his name,” pointed out the third insider. “He was arguably the most popular president in the history of the United States. Imagine the possibilities, resurrecting the name of the greatest Republican president ever. You don’t think that would win him like every vote? Trump even spent weeks at Mar-a-Lago trying to grow a beard, but it made him look like a Nepalese sherpa.
The third insider indicated that other options included George Washington, identifying by the initials FDR, and dropping the last name altogether in favor of “The Great”. “You can see where we’re going with this,” he said. “Putin says we don’t just need to walk from the current surname, we have to run from it. Adopting a beloved ex-president’s name is a fantastic way to honor their legacy, not to mention guarantee ourselves four more years in the White House. With Russia’s help, who’s going to vote against George Washington?”
The decision
The final decision will be made soon. “We need time to gear up for the 2020 campaign and the Russians have to get their army of internet trolls hired and trained,” said the first insider. “Thank God for CGI, we can reincarnate whomever Trump decides he wants to emulate in campaign ads. We’ll have him ‘sit’ next to the president and gaze adoringly as he goes about his daily work. Better yet, we’ll make him cower in fear at the sheer, awesome majesty of Trump’s presidential might. He whistled, then mused, “That would be something to see, a CGI Abraham Lincoln trembling at the feet of the new Abraham Lincoln, top hat and all.”
When asked if popular or influential female leaders would be in consideration, the insider said, “We’re not ruling anything out. Like most of us, Donald had a few saucy moments in college. He’s kissed a few men and worn a dress or two in his day. He even tried on one of Melania’s gowns just last week.” He smiled, adding the most obvious disclaimer ever: “It didn’t fit.”
Asked to give a hint as to his personal favorite, the second insider initially deferred, but then added, “There’s something pretty damn special about proclaiming yourself ‘The Great’. It fits Donald’s massive ego to a T. As the saying goes, you can’t prove a negative.” He shrugged his shoulders and said with a wink, “Thank God for that.”
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