The Los Angeles Rams will move to St. Louis during halftime of their loss to the Patriots in Super Bowl LIII, disclosed team owner Stan Kroenke.
“Of course we’re going to lose to New England,” snapped Kroenke after being asked of his team’s chances in the Super Bowl. What kind of question is that?” Turning to his team’s relocation to St. Louis, he said, “It’s a fantastic opportunity. We’ll be down 30-3 or 35-7 to the idiot Patriots by then, and it will only get worse after that. Way worse. Instead of hanging our heads in shame, we’ll spend halftime being productive.” When asked what that meant, Kroenke replied, “You know, packing boxes, booting up Google Maps, loading the trucks, things like that. We should have most of our stuff in St. Louis by the time the game is over.”
Rams amazed St. Louis has no NFL team
Kroenke marveled that a city as large and diverse as St. Louis doesn’t already have an NFL franchise. “The St. Louis metropolitan area has almost three million people, that big arch thing, and some other stuff too. Best of all, they have a stadium just sitting there, waiting for us. Apparently it’s been empty since a previous team left in 2016. Talk about luck!”
Rams head coach Sean McVay indicated full support for the move. “We haven’t accomplished anything here in Los Angeles,” he confessed. “Sure, we made the Super Bowl, but we’re days away from getting pounded on like a rented mule. That makes all the blood, sweat and tears we’ve put into this season completely wasted. Plus, this town isn’t big enough for two NFL teams, and the Chargers have stronger, faster, and sexier players than we do.” McVay crossed his arms and spat, “I can’t wait to get out of this hellhole.”
Player comments
In the middle of preparing for their impending Super Bowl loss, Rams players were reluctant to express their feelings on the matter. “No comment,” said running back Todd Gurley. “Sorry fellas, no comment,” replied quarterback Jared Goff. “Get the hell out of my face, you sons of bitches,” shot Aaron Donald, waving his fist menacingly at a coterie of reporters.
Even Rampage, the team mascot, sought to change the subject. “Dude, do you know where I can score some weed?”
Fan reaction in St. Louis
Surprisingly, fan reaction in St. Louis to the Rams’ move has been negative. “I don’t want to talk about those assholes,” said one fan, declining to provide his name. “I hate the goddamn Rams, and always will,” blurted another, clearly intimidated by their Hollywood glitz and glamour. “The Rams can go to hell,” said a third as he turned and walked away.
St. Louis Mayor Lyda Krewson was unwilling to comment, noting that the city was finalizing a settlement agreement with the previous tenant of The Dome at America’s Center, where the Rams will play their home games. “We cannot comment while litigation is pending, other than to say the Rams can go fuck themselves.” she said through a spokesperson.
Kroenke was undisturbed by the early backlash. “Being middle-America hicks, they probably don’t know much about football,” he surmised. “Why would they? They don’t have a team, so they have no clue how exciting our product can be. We’ll turn ’em around, I’m sure of it.”
No time like halftime
“We’ve already changed our mailing address, shut off the utilities, and shipped a bunch of stuff to St. Louis,” said Kroenke. “By the time the game begins, we’ll have the Mayflower trucks idling in the parking lot. When halftime starts, we’ll toss in the sweaty clothes, our Gatorade bucket, the cheerleaders and our stoned mascot Rampage and send a truck or two on their way. Then we’ll make the announcement, finish getting our butts kicked, and throw the players in the back of the last truck as soon as it’s all over. Easy-peasy, we’ll be in St. Louis by midnight.”
Asked if moving during halftime would distract from Maroon 5’s performance, Kroenke replied, “To borrow a turn of phrase from our president, I call them ‘Moron 5’. Who the hell cares?”
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