Seeing his new slogan “BUILD THE WALL AND CRIME WILL FALL!” hilariously mocked on Twitter, President Trump turned to bargaining on the eve of negotiations with Nancy Pelosi over a new Continuing Resolution.
BUILD A WALL & CRIME WILL FALL!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 23, 2019
“After a long nap and a gallon of Metamucil, the president courageously decided on a new slogan,” said counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway. “Rather than chanting an inane, easily disprovable one, he dusted off his Art of the Deal skills and came up with a slogan he believes Pelosi simply cannot refuse.” She paused, smiling, before continuing. “He’ll give her this slogan to suck on: BUILD THE FENCE & I’LL DUMP MIKE PENCE!”
Trump speaks
While drinking a Diet Coke, eating a cheeseburger and tweeting on the toilet in the Fox News men’s room, Trump spoke with on-air personality Sean Hannity about the negotiations. “The radical Democrats want open borders so that coyotes, MS-13 and MSNBC can invade our country and rape our women and dogs. There’s an MSNBC caravan heading to the White House briefing room right now! If my old slogan won’t convince them, I’ve got a new, even better one to jump-start the negotiations: BUILD THE FENCE & I’LL DUMP MIKE PENCE!”
Startled, Hannity asked the president if he was kidding. “Look,” said Trump. “Mike Pence is a great, great vice president. But, you know, he’s not been a very good vice president. I’ve done more in my first two years in office than any ruler since Genghis Kahn, so the low Fake News polls must be his fault. Pence is too boring for Trump. Everyone is saying it’s his fault.”
Trump continued, “He’s worked for me for a very short period of time. He’s worked for me, what, for 49 days or something? A very short period of time.” When Hannity reminded him that Pence has been at his side his entire presidency, Trump replied, “I was given that information, I don’t know. I was just given that information.”
The president grunted on the toilet, the Metamucil clearly still not taking effect. “He just sits there. Trump doesn’t need a potted plant for a vice president. Also, I don’t like his hair. I call him ‘Boring Bible Mike’.
Pence as a bargaining chip
In an attempt to re-focus the president, Hannity asked him what “dump Mike Pence” meant. Trump replied, “Pence is a true patriot, so we’re going to trade him in a deal for a big, beautiful wall. They can name it ‘betrayal’, I don’t care what you name it. But we’re tossing him aside to get the Democrats to make a deal. Maybe we’ll throw out Kirstjen Nielsen if we have to. People say she has a brother named Fletcher and I don’t like how she spells her name. Why is there a j in there?”
Asked to comment, both Pence and Nielsen brushed past a throng of reporters without saying a word.
Trump reminded Hannity of the upside of choosing a new vice president. “With Pence gone, you can have your nudity and your porn back,” he said. “Pence whimpered like a dog and fainted three times when I made him watch The Bone Ranger and Village of the Rammed in the Oval on movie night. Also, your Sundays can be all about football again, not boring church and stupid prayer.”
Pelosi responds
Hearing of Trump’s offer, Nancy Pelosi said, “While it’s true most of America would like to see Mike Pence leave the White House, it’s premature to say that his removal from office would be enough for us to consider making a deal. What guarantees do we have that the president wouldn’t nominate someone even worse than him?”
Relayed her question, Trump replied, “Who says I need a vice president?” Informed that the Constitution mandates filling the position, he said, “Well, I have dozens of great, great candidates to choose from. One true American patriot heads the list. I’m not going to say who it is right now, but I’m betting the Democrats will be ‘In Like Flynn’ when I make the announcement. Let’s make a deal?”
Border Security and the Wall “thing” and Shutdown is not where Nancy Pelosi wanted to start her tenure as Speaker! Let’s make a deal?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 1, 2019
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