Month: February 2019

Bernie Sanders Enters Presidential Race, Mulls Betty White as VP

On Tuesday, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders announced he was entering the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination. A day later, Sanders revealed his campaign strategy, one that will take a sharp turn from his failed 2016 approach. Instead of concentrating on college students and penniless left-wing activists, Sanders will target a new demographic: the […]

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Taco Bell Closes 16 Locations; Trump Declares National Emergency

After learning that Taco Bell closed sixteen locations in four states, President Trump acted swiftly, declaring his second national emergency in three days. The president further disclosed that thousands of troops were on the ground in Texas, Missouri, Oklahoma and Kansas to restore order. The new national emergency “It’s a disgrace,” said Trump to a […]

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‘The Shawshank Redemption’ to Reboot as Late-Night Religious Programming

Good news: instead of saving Andy Dufresne, Red Redding will save your soul. In an interview with U.S. Catholic, director Frank Darabont confirmed that The Shawshank Redemption will be rebooted as late-night religious programming. “After a quarter century, it’s about time we did something new with the franchise,” he said. “Initially, we thought about doing a sequel, but […]

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Mozambique and Swaziland Battle Over Whose Flag Is Stupider

Simmering tensions erupted into full-blown arguments over the weekend as Mozambique’s President Filipe Nyusi characterized Swaziland’s flag as “stupid”, multiple sources reported. Sporadic bickering and finger-pointing on both sides threatened to escalate as tensions continue to mount. “Un-effing believable,” said Lisa Peterson, the American ambassador to Swaziland, surveying the scene in disbelief. “Why are they arguing […]

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The Lucky Rock’s Exclusive Interview with President Trump

Traveling to El Paso, Texas for a campaign rally, President Trump granted an interview with The Lucky Rock on a wide range of subjects, including his recent physical, the growing list of 2020 Democratic challengers, climate change, the standoff over the border wall and the Russia investigation. Noteworthy in the exclusive one-on-one interview was Trump’s growing irritation […]

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Elizabeth Warren Claims She Meant to Identify as ‘American Indianan’

After yet another public controversy over her heritage, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) acknowledged that she misstated her ancestry on her Texas State Bar registration card back in 1986. The longtime Massachusetts senator claimed she glossed over the instructions and carelessly wrote in ‘American Indian’ instead of her intended characterization of ‘American Indianan‘. “It was over thirty […]

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Fun and Unusual Pets the Whole Family Can Avoid

According to the Insurance Information Institute, approximately 68% of American households have pets. Unsurprisingly, the vast majority are either dogs (36.5%) or cats (30.4%). As you’ve aged and become fatter and more sedate, you’ll note that you are increasingly bored by convention. Sure, you could retrofit a normal pet in all sorts of fun ways, but […]

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Border Wall Breakthrough: Dems Double Offer to $2

In an attempt to move negotiations forward, Nancy Pelosi held a press conference Saturday to announce Democrats would support federal appropriations of $2 toward President Trump’s cherished border wall. “This is a big concession, a major concession,” declared Pelosi to a throng of reporters on Capitol Hill. “As you’ll recall, I started by offering $1 for […]

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