According to the Insurance Information Institute, approximately 68% of American households have pets. Unsurprisingly, the vast majority are either dogs (36.5%) or cats (30.4%).
As you’ve aged and become fatter and more sedate, you’ll note that you are increasingly bored by convention. Sure, you could retrofit a normal pet in all sorts of fun ways, but that probably isn’t going to do the trick. You’re thinking to yourself, “why can’t I have a moose as a pet, or a squirrel?” Sexual aggression and bubonic plague are the short answers, but you’re on the right track, Jack. Maybe Rocky and Bullwinkle aren’t in the cards, but there’s no reason you can’t choose a pet more exotic than a yapping mutt or napping cat.
A new pet and your significant other
It’s going to take a little time for her to warm up to something (ahem) unusual as a pet choice. She wants to nuzzle Fluffy, not muzzle Mephistopheles.
However, you’ve got closing skills, so have them at the ready after you select one creature from the following array of amazing choices. Warning: objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.
The Green Vine Snake (Ahaetulla Nasuta)
It hails from India and southeast Asia, and good news: it won’t eat you. It prefers frogs and lizards, perfect for yard pestilence control. Best of all, the Green Vine Snake is only mildly venomous. Name him Princess and avoid the damn thing at all costs.
The Emperor Scorpion (Pandinus imperator)
Out of almost 2,000 total scorpion species, less than fifty are known to be deadly. Those are definitely betting odds. Why not have a pet that connotes royalty?
The Emperor Scorpion can grow to be over eight inches long, is native to tropical Africa, exudes a blueish-green hue and is less scaly than many scorpion species. They generally eat insects (see the yard pestilence benefit above), and if your neighbor also has one, bonus — scorpion fight!
They’ve got variable metabolisms and can even survive a night in the freezer, which comes in handy at family picnics. Name him Snowball because of the freezer thing.
Giant Amoeba (Pelomyxa carolinensis)
If you ever wanted to become a breeder, here’s an added bonus: amoebas self-replicate. Since he doubles as a paramecium, call him Perry and try not to drink him.
Komodo Dragon (Varanus komodoensis)
Now this is a cool pet. The world’s heaviest lizard can grow to nearly 10 feet in length and weigh almost 200 pounds. Their natural habitat is the Lesser Sundra Islands, but one would look equally at home soaking in your bathtub.
Komodo Dragons are carnivorous animals and will eat hamburgers and fried apple pies (hello, McDonalds) or frozen rats (hello, KFC). Name yours Pumpkin because they serve seasonal pumpkin spice shakes at McDonalds.
Chilean Rose Hair Tarantula (Grammastola rosea)
A native of desert areas of Chile, Bolivia and Argentina, this spider gives you a fantastic excuse for an exotic South American vacation. They enjoy burrowing, and over time could sleep underneath the sheets of your bed. They eat crickets, grasshoppers, beetles, moths, and french fries. You can call yours Toby in honor of Spider-Man.
African Mantis (Sphrodromantis lineola)
Name yours Pope because he prays a lot.
Bee (apis mellifera)
We’ve all seen beekeepers in those bulky suits, encrusted with thousands of bees as they go about their business. Kinda creepy, right?
You don’t need to take anywhere near that much risk to enjoy the company of nature’s most important insect — one bee is sufficient. Pick a sunny day, wait for a bee to land on a flower in the yard, capture and voila! There’s your new family pet. Name yours Buzz and let him fly freely around the house. Leave nectar in a tiny little bowl for him to lap during those hot summer days.
Summing it all up
Nothing says originality like a snake, scorpion, amoeba, dragon, tarantula, praying mantis or bee, so consider one of these oft-dangerous choices for your next family pet. They are perfect for the kids to avoid or to leave out of the family pictures you distribute at Christmastime.
If you’re worried about your girl, look at it this way: after she shoots you down, a squirrel won’t sound nearly as frightening. At least they don’t have scales.
