After yet another public controversy over her heritage, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) acknowledged that she misstated her ancestry on her Texas State Bar registration card back in 1986. The longtime Massachusetts senator claimed she glossed over the instructions and carelessly wrote in ‘American Indian’ instead of her intended characterization of ‘American Indianan‘.
“It was over thirty years ago,” said Warren, shaking her fist to emphasize her point. “I’d had dinner the night before with Bernie Sanders to discuss my wealth tax proposal and to plan a trip to the Soviet Union. We drank a little too much firewater and I woke up the next morning realizing I had been ‘feeling the Bern’, if you know what I mean.” She paused to compose herself before continuing, “I was so shaken and hung over that I was completely frazzled. I just messed up.”
Problems with Warren’s story
Hearing Warren’s accounting of events, eagle-eyed fact checkers quickly poked holes in her story. PolitiFact’s Paul Specht pointed out that Warren was born in Oklahoma, not Indiana, and there was no record of her ever living in the Hoosier state. “No, I haven’t lived there,” admitted Warren. “But I’ve been to Indiana many times. Many times. So much so that it feels like a second home to me. And I don’t like ‘Hoosier’ because it rhymes with ‘loser’. I prefer ‘Indianan’.”
Specht also noted that her wealth tax proposal is a recent initiative, not one from the 80s. “We’ve talked about it for decades, though,” she said, shaking her fist again. “But with Reagan cutting taxes left and right, I didn’t want to be seen as an Indianan giver. I had to wait until we had a sufficiently feeble-minded president like Donald Trump to try to push it through.”
Reached for comment, Senator Sanders denied that he and Warren had ever been frisky together. “She’s old lady hot, but not that hot,” he said. When asked the purpose of a trip to the U.S.S.R, Sanders replied, “I’ve been to Russia many times. Many times. Maybe I’ll move there someday, who knows?”
He cleared his throat and added, “I think we should look to countries like Russia, like Venezuela, and Cuba and learn from what they have accomplished for their working people.” Sanders raised his fist high and bellowed, “We need a political revolution!”
BERNIE: “Three people own more wealth than the bottom half of our country… That’s why we need a political revolution.” https://t.co/GT5uN00slt
— Sean Hannity (@seanhannity) February 5, 2019
Trump weighs in
Building off his calls for unity during the State of the Union address, President Trump took a measured tone on the subject of Elizabeth Warren’s confession. “Did you like my State of the Union address? People are saying it was the greatest speech ever given, that I can tell you. We need a strong, powerful wall or steel barrier to stop your drugs, your coyotes and your criminal MSNBC gangs from pouring into our country. We have no choice, we really don’t.”
Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway leaned over and whispered into Trump’s ear. “Pocahontas is a fraud,” he snapped. “As you know, I call her Pocahontas. She’s probably wearing a feathered headdress and dancing around a fire right now with a frying pan in one hand and tomahawk in the other.” He glanced over at Conway. “Are there any Indians in Indiana?”
Trump then quickly reminded the band of reporters that the Mueller investigation was a witch hunt and that there was no collusion.
If Elizabeth Warren, often referred to by me as Pocahontas, did this commercial from Bighorn or Wounded Knee instead of her kitchen, with her husband dressed in full Indian garb, it would have been a smash! pic.twitter.com/D5KWr8EPan
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 14, 2019
Proud Indianan
Sitting behind the wheel of her Jeep Cherokee, Warren responded to questions about her withdrawing from the race. “I think I’ve spent enough time talking about race,” she said, shaking her fist. “I’m a proud American Indianan, always have been and always will be.” Asked about her political future, she replied, “I’m going to pow wow with the members of my exploratory committee and we’ll have more to say in the coming days and weeks. You’ll have to excuse me now, Bruce and I are catching a flight to Florida to watch the Atlanta Braves play a couple of Grapefruit League games.”
With that, she started the engine and quickly drove away, the dulcet tones of Neil Young trailing off as she turned the corner.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVcDCAKCtMY
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