Simmering tensions erupted into full-blown arguments over the weekend as Mozambique’s President Filipe Nyusi characterized Swaziland’s flag as “stupid”, multiple sources reported. Sporadic bickering and finger-pointing on both sides threatened to escalate as tensions continue to mount.
“Un-effing believable,” said Lisa Peterson, the American ambassador to Swaziland, surveying the scene in disbelief. “Why are they arguing about this? Both flags are stupid.”
Nyusi’s keynote speech
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The diplomatic incident was sparked by President Nyusi’s remarks during his keynote speech at the 2019 “Stupidest Flags of Africa” conference in the children’s play area of the Mbabane, Swaziland McDonalds. Addressing the eleven conference attendees, Nyusi railed against the Swazi flag, calling it “a testicle skewered by spears”.
These Swazis, I just cannot understand. They call themselves “bakaNgwane” which one can barely say and no one can spell. Why is the N capitalized? That is just wrong! And that flag, that horrible, terrible flag. It looks like a testicle skewered by spears. What are those three blue patches, Smurf pubic hair? Their flag is very stupid, much stupider than ours!
King Mswati III’s response
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Manning the McDonalds drive-up window during the speech, Swaziland’s King Mswati III reacted angrily upon hearing President Nyusi’s remarks. After bagging a McZebra value meal, the King grabbed the microphone and yelled, “No, your flag is stupid! Why do you have guns on your flag? What country does that? And what’s that book inside the yellow star, a pornography book? Yours is a guns and pornography flag!”
The conference attendees and a gathering crowd witnessing the altercation began to take sides as the exchange became heated. Soon, fists were raised high overhead as the factions chanted “your flag is stupid! No, your flag is stupid!” at one another.
Military mobilization
Enraged, President Nyusi returned to Maputo, Mozambique where he immediately ordered a tactical nuclear strike against Swaziland. Targeting the Mbabane McDonalds, the countdown was well underway before the generals realized Mozambique had no nuclear weapons. Emergency fail safe maneuvers were undertaken in the nick of time to abort the attack.
Turning to conventional methods, Nyusi sent a naval armada to invade Swaziland from the north. CNN correspondent Will Ripley reported late Saturday night that a “massive fleet of garbage scows, tugboats, sailboats and canoes” was dispatched to Swaziland. Hours later, the armada returned after discovering that the tiny kingdom is entirely land-locked.
Swaziland changes its name
In a quickly developing situation, Swaziland announced Tuesday that the Trump administration had granted it a license to use the name ‘America’, and that its parliament had approved the change. “No one has heard of our great land,” explained King Mswati III, “so a name change from something that sounds like an amusement park to something very strong and powerful is a step forward. If the Mozambican dogs attack ‘America’, God will ensure that the world provides assistance, just as He provides the zebras that feed our people.”
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When asked to confirm Swaziland’s claim, White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders replied, “As the president has proven for decades with his hotels, resorts, golf courses and millions of other successful businesses, licensing a name is a winning strategy. We will be using this same approach — along with selling assets we no longer need — to raise the remaining funds to build the wall we’ve either not started or almost finished.” Sanders paused, a twinkle in her eye. “I am also pleased to report that we are in negotiations with Mexico on a licensing agreement as we speak.”
The president weighed in on Twitter, crowing over fulfilling his campaign pledge:
Mexico will pay for the wall!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 1, 2016
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