After learning that Taco Bell closed sixteen locations in four states, President Trump acted swiftly, declaring his second national emergency in three days. The president further disclosed that thousands of troops were on the ground in Texas, Missouri, Oklahoma and Kansas to restore order.
The new national emergency
“It’s a disgrace,” said Trump to a coterie of reporters in the Rose Garden. “By closing Taco Bell sites, the Mexican government is retaliating against us for calling a national emergency over the situation at the southern border. They should be ashamed of themselves.”
Justifying his decision to declare a second national emergency, the president stressed the importance of Taco Bell to the U.S. economy. “Have you ever had their XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito? It’s a great, great meal, believe me.” Seeing his vice president visibly wince at the suggestive name, he snapped, “Lighten up, Mike, it’s not like when I tricked you into watching Sorest Rump.” Turning back to the reporters, Trump continued, “Taco Bell adds billions of jobs and trillions of dollars to our economy. We have no choice, we have to declare a national emergency.” Trump shook his head. “We really have no choice.”
The areas impacted
Trump tied the decision by Taco Bell to politics. “Look at where they all were,” he said. “All areas that we’re building the wall and where everyone loves Trump. Mexico and the Democrats are doing this because they know they cannot win an election, they can’t win without obstructing.” He then reminded reporters that the Mueller investigation was a witch hunt and there was no collusion.
According to Taco Bueno Restaurants L.P., the closures were spread throughout Texas, Missouri, Oklahoma and Kansas. “We need the wall to stop drugs, human trafficking and criminal MSNBC gangs,” said Trump. “In fact, I’ve already personally built thousands of miles of the wall, thousands.” The president went on to claim that the wall would “stop every act of crime in the United States immediately.” He further asserted that the wall would improve the physical appearances of all Americans. “It will make our people taller, stronger and sexier than they could ever imagine being. Chuck and Nancy don’t want you to be tall and sexy, they really don’t.”
Taco Bell responds
Taco Bueno CEO Omar Janjua responded to the president’s national emergency declaration. “We continually review our restaurant portfolio performance,” he said in a statement. “These closures were a strategic decision based solely on business demands and changing traffic patterns.”
Responding to Janjua’s remarks, Trump replied, “Janjua is a Mexican name, isn’t it?” He pantomimed putting a sombrero on his head and rolled his eyes. “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems. They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”
Trump then insisted to the reporters that eating fake Mexican food proves he loves Hispanics.
Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics! https://t.co/ufoTeQd8yA pic.twitter.com/k01Mc6CuDI
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 5, 2016
The Mexican government reacts
President Andrés Manuel López Obrador condemned Trump’s decision to call a national emergency. “Pardon my Spanish, but what the chingado is he talking about?” he asked in bewilderment. “Does he really think the Mexican government owns Taco Bell?” When informed that the answer was yes, he said, “Tell this to your president: Que te folle un pez!”
Lopez Obrador then donned his personal MAGA hat. “Yet again, Mr. Trump’s actions prove that Morons Are Governing America.”
Troops dispatched
The president said troops were already engaged in battle throughout Texas, Missouri, Oklahoma and Kansas. When asked for specifics, Trump declined, citing executive privilege. He bragged that the amount of forces involved was “a big number, a powerful number. It’s a massive number, that I can tell you.” He disclosed that several Black Hawk helicopters had been shot down and firefights were raging as the military worked to restore order.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LaNbF6fLbI
Trump said that troops would secure the affected areas and impose martial law. “It’s Mexico’s fault,” he said. “Along with the Democrats, Hillary Clinton, President Obama, Micheal Cohen, and that guy who sold me a crappy hot dog on 5th Avenue in 1998. It’s all their fault, believe me.”
McDonalds cancels announcement
Rumored to be closing a slate of their own restaurants, McDonalds spokesperson Terri Hickey cancelled a press conference over the weekend. “If a handful of Taco Bell closures make the president go ballistic, imagine what will happen when he finds out we’re closing all of our D.C. locations,” she said.
Noting Trump’s infamous Big Mac addiction, Hickey shrugged. “We’ll just keep that bit of news on the down low.”
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