On Tuesday, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders announced he was entering the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination. A day later, Sanders revealed his campaign strategy, one that will take a sharp turn from his failed 2016 approach. Instead of concentrating on college students and penniless left-wing activists, Sanders will target a new demographic: the elderly.
Young people don’t vote
Sanders indicated that the shift in approach was due to the fact that younger voters simply don’t go to the polls. “They mean well, they really do,” he said. “I love seeing my face on their tee shirts, watching them mindlessly wave signs and hearing them chant like hell.” Sanders paused, measuring his words carefully. “But they’re usually too hung over or high from all the partying to remember to vote on election day. If we’re going to beat Donald Trump, we can’t have that.”
The elderly, on the other hand, are a reliable voting bloc. “What else do they have to do on election day?” he asked rhetorically. “Old people dress in their Sunday best, drive their Lincoln Town Cars 15 miles per hour under the speed limit to the polls and wait hours for their turn. They’ll complain about the weather, play bridge, sip on Metamucil and nap in their wheelchairs. They’ll die waiting to vote.” Sanders whistled in admiration. “That’s who we’ve got to go get.”
Sanders admitted that economics was a factor in his strategy. “How much do young people have in their checking accounts, ten bucks?” he asked. “You have no idea how hard it is to raise millions of dollars from a bunch of McDonalds workers and unemployed students.” Turning to the elderly, he said, “Old people may be cheaper than hell, but they have money socked away. If a socialist like me can’t get them to turn it over, nobody can.”
Sanders and Millennials
Recent election results and polling convinced Sanders that courting younger voters was a waste of time. “I’ve already got their votes,” he said. “They want free stuff, and if I’m elected, they’ll get it. Free college, student debt forgiveness, guaranteed jobs and as much government as I can shove down their throats.” Asked about the other far-left candidates splitting the Millennial vote, he said, “If Kamala Harris offers a free college education, I’ll promise two. If Elizabeth Warren backs a national $15 minimum wage, I’ll make it $30.” He stood up and pantomimed a bird flapping its wings. “Nobody plays chicken better than Bernie Sanders.”
Sanders attempted to smile. “The challenge with the elderly is that they believe that since socialism hasn’t worked anywhere else, it never will. We’ve got to change their thinking, and that’s where I’m going to spend my time shouting the most.” He raised his fist high overhead and bellowed, “We need a revolution!” A staffer quickly whispered in his ear. “Right, a political revolution, whatever.”
Betty White as VP
Asked about a potential vice president, Sanders replied, “Trump got elected because he was a reality TV star. Reagan was a movie actor before he became president. America loves celebrities, so to give me a fighting chance, I need one on my ticket.”
He then revealed his top choice. “Betty White would make a hell of a vice president,” he said. “She’s been on television for what, a hundred years? Just like Elizabeth Warren, she’s old lady hot. She’ll get a few heart monitors beeping really fast, that’s for sure.” He stopped, considering the risks. “I hope those flatlines you see on Chicago Med are just a Hollywood thing.”
Sanders mentioned another reason to consider White. “She’ll make me look like a young whippersnapper by comparison.” He thought about that for a second, then clarified, “Well, maybe an over-the-hill whippersnapper.”
Sanders’ next move
Faiz Shakir, Sanders’ new campaign manager, indicated that Sanders will begin his campaign with a whirlwind tour of nursing homes throughout the country. “Genesis Healthcare, HCR ManorCare, Golden Living and Life Care Centers of America, for starters,” he said. “After that, we’ll book speaking engagements at Lions Clubs, Denny’s restaurants, shuffleboard tournaments and a few Alaska cruises.”
If you haven't yet, run to our website to chip in to our campaign before the end of the day. We need as many supporters as possible to contribute by midnight: https://t.co/oINXF8mLve pic.twitter.com/ZSTE6iQguv
— Bernie Sanders (@BernieSanders) February 20, 2019
Shakir pointed to a stack of papers. “See those? We’re already getting sponsorship offers from The Clapper, Cialis, PoliGrip, and a dozen other similar products. What would we get if we were still chasing the student vote, Purple Monkey Balls?”
Sanders confirmed the scheduling strategy, but contradicted Shakir on one point. “Hey, don’t knock Purple Monkey Balls until you’ve tried them!”
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