Seattle’s New NHL Team to Be Named ‘Sneeze’

When Seattle’s new NHL team hits the ice in 2021, it will have perhaps the most unusual name in professional sports. In lieu of rumored favorites like Totems, Emeralds, Rainiers, Sockeyes, or Kraken, the franchise will go an entirely different direction. “We’re picking a name that we feel represents the region — warts and all,” team president Tod Leiweke said. “The rain, the spring allergies, the bustling traffic, even the dusty two-lane roads in the middle of nowhere. With all the viruses and particulates kicked up, we believe Sneeze is the perfect name for our team.”

Sneeze won over a focus group

Sneeze was the top choice of a key focus group. “Like, that would be cool,” blurted one participant while puffing on a joint. Another said that they were in a hurry and just picked something at random, and a third confessed that they didn’t know hockey was coming to town. Leiweke asserted that the focus group results proved Sneeze was the right choice. “Seattle has some of the smartest hockey fans in the Puget Sound area,” he said. “An exhaustive three-person focus group unanimously agreed that Sneeze was the right name for our new franchise.”

Sneeze
The Metropolitans played in Seattle a century ago, but thankfully Sneeze was chosen instead.

Although media speculation about potential Seattle team names has gone on for years, the guesses have been relatively pedantic. “Frankly, the idiot who wrote that piece doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” snapped an annoyed Leiweke. “Why would we glorify a piece of wood (Totems), a condom (Shield), a beer (Rainiers), a delicious fish (Sockeyes) or a bad Liam Neesom movie (Kraken)? Those names don’t have anything to do with Seattle.” Informed that they actually did, he waved his hand and replied, “whatever, we’re going with Sneeze.”

Team logo

Bears in mid-sneeze are scary.

The logo will feature an open-mouthed bear in mid-sneeze, blood from a kill in its mouth. “We actually thought about Sneeze Bears or Sneezing Bears, but that just seemed ridiculous,” said Leiweke. “We’ve got bears crawling all over the place here in the Pacific Northwest, so putting a sneezing, bloody-mouthed one on our logo made perfect sense.”

The team colors will be green and brown. “Green jerseys, because God forbid a Seattle team doesn’t feature that color,” said Leiweke. “Brown pants,” he quipped with a grin, “because we’re going to play so hard and so rough that we’ll scare the crap out of our opponents.” Asked why brown pants didn’t more accurately symbolize his team being scared, Leiweke looked the other way and asked, “Next question?”

The arena

In a surprise announcement, Leiweke revealed that Key Arena will not be the team’s home. “Hockey is meant to be played outside, not in some ugly building in the middle of an urban park,” he said. “Why spend all that money trying to shoehorn ourselves into a place better suited for Shriners Club conventions?”

Leiweke indicated that a lease deal was in the works for CenturyLink Field. “The Seahawks have the loudest fans in the NFL,” he noted. “We’ll tow an ice rink right in the middle of the grass and play outside. The fans will love watching us slip and slide all over the place, especially during a driving rainstorm or a howling wind.”

A key component of the negotiations was to change the name of CenturyLink to something more interesting. “The name CenturyLink Field sucks,” Leiweke said. “It has no character, no pizzazz. We’re in discussions with potential new sponsors as we speak.” Asked to reveal the alternatives, he ticked the options off on his fingers. “Dimetapp, Nytol, and Robitussin are all in the running,” he said. “But the smart money is on Alka-Seltzer Plus Night Time Cold Medicine Field.”

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Fans are excited

Fans took to Twitter to express their excitement over the announced team name: