President Trump took to the Rose Garden Thursday and announced his plan to combat foreign intervention in American elections. Addressing a coterie of reporters, he proposed assembling a blue ribbon panel of technology leaders, to be chaired by Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross.
“We’re going to ask Tim Apple, Bill Microsoft and Mark Facebook to join the panel,” said Trump. “These are great, great leaders of technology and other things, really fantastic people.” He sniffed loudly, then continued, “Wilbur Ross will head the panel, because when you think of cutting-edge technology, you think of Wilbur.”
The technology panel’s purpose
According to Trump, the panel’s sole purpose will be to stop the Democrats from colluding with foreign countries.
“Hillary Clinton colluded with Russia to lose the election with the fake dossier and all the other stuff she did, really bad stuff,” he said. “People tell me she also drove millions of illegal aliens to the polls to vote for her on election night, millions.” He shook his head. “People are saying that.” He then reminded the assembled press corps that his inauguration day crowd was bigger than Obama’s, his penis was bigger than Obama’s, and the Mueller investigation was a total witch hunt.
Clinton responded to the president’s 10,246th attack on her with a Mean Girls Tweet:
— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) March 5, 2019
The threats
Trump claimed that Russia promised they would not interfere in the 2020 elections. “Putin was strong, powerful and sexy in his denials,” he purred, a dreamy look on his face. “But even if they did interfere, collusion isn’t illegal. Witch hunt!” Seeing personal attorney Rudy Giuliani give the cut sign, he pressed on. “It isn’t Russia the Democrats are going to collude with this time. People are telling me it’s Mozambique and Swaziland.”
Embroiled in a bitter dispute over whose flag is stupider, the Trump administration considers the two African nations national security threats. “Shithole countries have lots of hackers, lots of them,” he asserted. “They may not weigh 400 pounds or sit on a bed since they have no food or beds, but they know how to use those computer thingies.” He smirked confidently. “When Wilbur wakes up, he’ll get to the bottom of it.”
The president claimed his national emergency declaration was designed to stop caravans of Mozambicans and Swazis from canoeing across the ocean to invade the U.S. “It all ties together, it really does,” he said. “The fake news won’t talk about it, but there are some really bad people paddling their way across the ocean as we speak. We’ve sent the military to blow them out of the water, but they just keep coming. We need a great, powerful wall to stop them from flooding into our country.”
…..Ice, Border Patrol and our Military have done a FANTASTIC job of securing our Southern Border. A Great Wall would be, however, a far easier & less expensive solution. We have already built large new sections & fully renovated others, making them like new. The Democrats,…..
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 11, 2018
The responses
Mozambique’s President Filipe Nyusi was not amused. “No food?” he said incredulously. “We have a McDonalds in Maputo that makes a scrumptious McZebra sandwich, for God’s sake!” Enraged, he ordered a nuclear strike on Washington before being reminded that Mozambique has no nuclear weapons.
On the home front, a Microsoft spokesperson asked, “What did he call Mr. Gates?” Facebook’s COO Sheryl Sandberg muttered an expletive under her breath, and Apple CEO Tim Cook said, “He already called me that, so whatever.”
None of the three technology giants would commit to joining a blue-ribbon panel. “I think I can speak for all of us when I say Trump’s a moron,” said Sandberg. Cook suggested a bipartisan alternative. “We’ll be there after Bernie Sanders and Wilbur Ross prove they know how to turn a computer on.” He snickered. “That’s going to take a few years.” Sandberg agreed. “At least.”
The president summed up his view of the matter on Twitter:
A total WITCH HUNT with massive conflicts of interest!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 19, 2018
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