In the wake of the federal budget battle of 2012, the U.S. Geological Survey commissioned an extensive search for the so-called “fiscal cliff”. After a six-year, $10 million effort, the agency formally ended the quest, officially acknowledging it found no evidence of the existence of the geological formation.
The fiscal cliff isn’t real
“No way that damn thing exists,” asserted lead geologist Dr. Clifford Falso. “We’ve gone over practically every square inch of the planet, peering over fences, peeking into windows late at night, hiding in closets, you name it. We couldn’t see it, so clearly it’s doesn’t exist.” He nodded knowingly. “That’s a bedrock principle of the scientific method.”
Dr. Steurerlich Scogliera, professor of imaginary numbers at Butte College in Montana, agreed. “We gave it a real effort,” he said earnestly. “It’s not like we just sat around, drinking beer, scarfing pizza, watching porn and playing Grand Theft Auto V on Playstation 4 with the USGS’s grant money.” He paused, brow furrowing. “We really did hike across the Himalayas and sail the Indian Ocean looking for it,” he insisted. “Really.”
The USGS grant
Funded by a United States Geological Survey $10 million grant, the funds were earmarked for food, adult beverages, adult entertainment, video games, and miscellaneous expenses. “What a pain in the ass the process was,” said Falso. He ticked off the requirements on his fingers. “We needed a business plan, resumes, projectors, the works.” When reminded that the correct term was “projections”, his brow furrowed. “Pain in the ass.”
Scogliera acknowledged they spared no expense to track down the fiscal cliff. “Remember back in 2012 when it was in the news practically every single day?” he asked. “Clearly, a puzzle of this magnitude required significant resources to solve. He explained, “I mean, the federal budget is trillions of dollars, right? We spent $10 million to save America trillions.”
When asked to explain his reasoning, Scogliera smiled and said, “Imaginary numbers theory, of course.”
The report
Falso and Scogliera submitted their report The Fiscal Cliff Was a Stupid Argument Between Morons to the USGA in February, giving it a provocative title to capture public interest. “We felt that it was important to codify the pointless arguments and insipid rancor of the politicians back in 2012, lest anyone forget how infuriating that debate was,” said Falso. “It’s a good thing we proved the fiscal cliff doesn’t exist, or we’d be tempted to throw a few of them off the crag and into the abyss. He chuckled. “Crag. That’s a funny word.”
Commenting on their years-long endeavor, Scogliera insisted that they didn’t scam the agency by screwing around for six years. “Just because we didn’t find it doesn’t mean you can’t prove a negative. It also means you can’t disprove a negative, nor can you not not disprove a positive. Fulso added, “We go into that line of reasoning thoroughly in the report, with all sorts of fancy charts and graphs to back it up.”
Follow-up grants in the offing
Both Falso and Scogliera expressed their interest in future grants toward other noteworthy endeavors. “Gravity is a great example of something else everyone assumes exists, even though nobody’s actually seen it,” said Falso. “Everyone just blindly believes it exists anyways.” He raised an eyebrow and asked, “How’s that any different from Pauly Shore?”
Scogliera indicated that other noteworthy formations under consideration for USGA grant funding included Brokeback Mountain, Ricki Lake and Billy Ocean. “The same principles apply,” he said confidently. “There’s a whole world of invisible reality just waiting to be explored.” With that, the two academics headed back to Falso’s basement to play Grand Theft Auto V.
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