The kindest thing that can be said about the demonic Pillsbury Doughboy is that he’s shown remarkable staying power.
Created by the Leo Burnett Worldwide advertising agency in 1965, the Pillsbury Doughboy remains virtually unchanged up to this day. In fact, the only major difference is his evolution from uttering post-poke giggles to a mocking hoo-hoo laced with contempt. Don’t let the fixed grin fool you: there’s black fury behind those dead eyes.
Admit it: you loathe him. You’re not sure why, but you do. Always here to provide answers, the following are five reasons why the Pillsbury Doughboy is truly detestable.
The mainstream media never questions his behavior
Even a child can see there’s something wrong with him. He has a fun-house grin permanently affixed to his face, a compulsive interest in baked goods and if you squint just a little, an uncanny resemblance to Newt Gingrich.
Like Newt, Doughboy’s got developmental issues. He’s unable to utter more than giggles and hoots and clambers about the kitchen counter top like a senile cat. His behavior requires a fistful of pills to control, and yet (again, like Newt) his pill-popping is purely recreational.
Doughboy is a fascist
Social media rule #1: if it’s on the internet, it must be true.
Kim Jong Un looks like an bewildered Asian Pillsbury Dough Boy.
— Charlie Daniels (@CharlieDaniels) February 27, 2014
Am I the only one who sees Kim Jong Un and thinks of the Pillsbury dough boy? Can't you see him just sitting there giggling?…
— Zack Hopper (@ZackHopper) April 27, 2018
There's a 97.65% chance that Kim Jong Un is related to the Pillsbury dough boy
— Nick (@Nicholas_Boeing) December 24, 2014
Doughboy is invincible
When you cross the street, you look both ways. During a lightning storm, you find cover. Worried about contracting diseases, you almost never drink from the toilet.
Doughboy doesn’t concern himself over such things. He can be kneaded in a mixing bowl, flattened by a rolling-pin, and cut into cookie-shaped pieces. Put him in the oven at 425 degrees and he’ll flip you the bird through the little window.
In every instance, he reappears in the very next commercial, not a dent in the fender. He is invincible.
A kick in the groin cannot stop him
It’s not as if the rendering leaves anything to the imagination. He has no sexual organs, and as such, no vulnerability to that form of attack.
His obvious lack of an endocrine system doesn’t stop him from highly questionable — even shocking — behavior. Read on.
Doughboy is the original Paris Hilton
He’s a member of the cultural elite. Everyone has seen unflattering pictures of his groin circulated on the internet. He’s rich and famous. And yet, what does he do? Absolutely nothing. He virtually never speaks, and when he does, it’s always the height of inanity.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2PeN2ePUys
Remember the catch phrase nothing says loving like something in the oven? It sounds more like a rap line than Twain-like words of wisdom. Remind you of anyone? How about a leggy blonde that fits all of the above characteristics, that’s who. Just like Doughboy, Paris is a media creation and has enjoyed the same undeserved fame and fortune.
Next thing you know, they’ll get married, release a sex tape, and divorce six months days later after one or both of them land in jail.
The end of the line
Under the precept that nothing lasts forever, it’s a sure bet that once General Mills will someday put this dysfunctional, unbalanced, deranged mascot out to pasture. If Spuds MacKenzie can be retired, so can the Pillsbury Dougboy.
When that glorious day comes upon us, 325 million Americans and countless more around the world will utter a relieved and joyous hoo-hoo!
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