In a move certain to enrage Democrats, the Justice Department will redact more than 99% of Robert Mueller’s Trump-Russia report, according to multiple sources.
“The president calls it the ‘Duller’ report,” said Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway on Meet the Press. “We’ve got copies in every bathroom, in the lunch room, piled up by the water cooler, you name it. Despite that, nobody’s reading it because it’s too long, complicated, and frankly, boring. That proves American doesn’t care about the lies that are in there, so we’re having them redacted.”
Todd pushed back, a look of sheer incredulity on his face. “Do you actually believe Americans are too stupid to read the Mueller report?” Conway replied, “You’re putting words in my mouth, Chuck. I’m saying that America elected a reality show star as president of the United States. They don’t want to know why Don Jr. really met with the Russians, or how candidate Trump paid Putin two hundred million rubles wired from a secret offshore account to buy the election. America cares about television, beer, and scratching themselves, not a bunch of rambling, pseudo-technical blather.”
Lindsey Graham responds
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) indicated he was aware the Mueller report would be massively redacted. “The Attorney General informed Congress that grand jury material, sensitive intelligence, ongoing investigations, and privacy rights require redaction,” he said. “That’s probably half the report right there.” As for the other half, Graham believes it should be redacted if the information is boring, salacious, or above the comprehension level of the average Trump voter. “As the president said during the campaign, he loves the poorly educated,” he explained. “Redacting confusing information they feel stupid trying to read is the perfect way to honor his base.”
Graham called for new special counsel investigations into Hillary Clinton, Robert Mueller, Rod Rosenstein, John McCain and Joy Behar. “They’re all in on it, every single one of them,” he claimed. “Especially John McCain, God rest his heroic soul.”
Attorney General Barr’s comments
AG William Barr wouldn’t confirm the percentage, but acknowledged that essentially the entire report would be redacted.
“There will be a few words like ‘the’ and ‘is’ that remain,” he explained. “Along with a handful of commas and question marks. For transparency purposes, we’ll keep almost all the exclamation points in.” Barr smiled, a twinkle in his eye, and continued, “We’re going to have a little fun with the Libs while we’re at it. We’re purposely leaving ‘blithering demagogue’ and ‘impeachment is imperative’ in the report while redacting who they refer to. Good luck trying to figure those out.”
Barr summed it up by saying, “Given that the entire report consists of sensitive material and stupid stuff, it’s all got to go.”
Trump weights in
“The ‘Duller’ report is a witch hunt,” said the president. “I call it the ‘Duller’ report because it’s a fake news document written by ‘Boring Bob’ Mueller and edited by ‘Boring Bill’ Barr. I haven’t read it yet, even though I have every right to do so.” Trump sniffed deeply, then continued, “But if I did, I wouldn’t have an opinion because it’s too boring to have an opinion about.”
Asked to explain how he could form an opinion without having read the report, Trump replied, “I’m under audit. I’m always under audit. When you have a name, you’re always under audit. ‘Chunky Chuck’ Rettig should run the IRS and stop meddling in my tax shenanigans.” Hearing a raft of follow-up questions about relevancy, the president interrupted, “Excuse me, excuse me. I know I’m right, and you know I’m right. I won the greatest electoral victory in the history of our country, the economy is the best it’s ever been, and two hundred million rubles is a very cheap price to pay for all that.”
Kellyanne Conway quickly gave the cut sign and Secret Service agents swarmed the president, whisking him away to avoid further self-incrimination.
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