On Saturday, a fiery President Trump spoke at a rally in Birmingham, Alabama, basking in the glow of a cheering crowd. “No collusion, no obstruction!” Trump bellowed as the audience roared their approval. “The crazy Mueller report was a witch hunt, folks. An illegal witch hunt started by Hillary Clinton, Jeff Sessions, Mitt Romney, John McCain and Rosie O’Donnell.” Eliciting a chorus of boos, Trump said, “People are saying they should all be in jail!” which prompted the crowd to chant “Lock them up! Lock them up!” over and over again.
After the audience quieted down, Trump addressed his problems with the Mueller report, including the most incendiary lines — words which Democrats claim to be consciousness of guilt.:
[W]hen Sessions told the president that a Special Counsel had been appointed, the President slumped back in his chair and said, “Oh my God. This is terrible. This is the end of my Presidency. I’m fucked.”
Trump fires back at Mueller
In a rambling monologue, the president took issue with various aspects of the Mueller report. “The title was way too long,” he said to nodding supporters. “As The Apprentice proved, a short, snappy title is far better than a long, stupid one. Especially one written by ‘Boring Bob’ Mueller.” Trump sniffed deeply, collecting his thoughts, then continued. “Also, although I know nothing about WikiLeaks — it’s not my thing — I love WikiLeaks! Why didn’t ‘Boring Bob’ include all of Hillary Clinton’s 30,000 deleted emails in there?”
After criticizing the font size, the lack of the word bigly and the failure to analyze his penis size (“It’s gigantic, folks, the biggest of any president, ever!”), Trump got around to the damning quote about his reaction after the Special Counsel was appointed.
“I’m glucked!”
The president disputed the specific quote in the report. “I never said ‘I’m fucked'” he claimed. “In fact, I didn’t say any of what the Fake Special Counsel wrote.” Trump paused, considering his words, then continued, “What I actually said was ‘Oh my God, this is terrible, this is the end of my residency.'” He then went on to say, “I had planned on becoming a doctor like ‘Retarded Rand’ Paul, but I figured there was no way I’d have time to do that with the Russia hoax going on forever.” He held his palms up, shrugging his shoulders. “So that’s why I said ‘residency'”.
The president then addressed the alleged vulgarity. “I never said that, I said ‘I’m glucked'”, he asserted. “Did you know there was such a word in the English language?” Seeing thousands upon thousands of blank stares, he continued, “Well, there is. I have the dictionary definition right here.” Trump waved a piece of paper overhead, then began reading. “Gluck: To flow or cause to flow in a noisy series of spurts as when liquid is emptied through the narrow neck of a bottle.”
Trump theatrically tore the paper up and tossed the shards into the air, spurring another roar from the crowd. “Obviously ‘glucked’ is the past tense of ‘gluck’. I was saying that after just realizing my residency dreams were at an end, liquid was literally spurting out of me. I had just peed myself!” The arena erupted in laughter and wild applause as the President mimicked urinating all over himself, after which he took a long, slow bow. “Game over, haters and socialists! Game over! No obstruction, no collusion.” Trump pretended to dry himself off with a towel, then left the stage, waving to his adoring fans.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 18, 2019
Bob Mueller remains tight-lipped
As they have throughout the nearly two-year investigation, Mueller’s office declined to comment on the President’s claims. The spokesperson did, however, point in the general direction of the U.S. District Court, Southern District of New York, and uttered two words over and over: “Tick tock, tick tock.”
Follow us on Facebook!
One thought on “Trump Maintains He Said ‘I’m Glucked’ in Incendiary Mueller Report Quote”
Comments are closed.