Shortly after the entrance of Joe Biden into the 2020 presidential race, President Trump wasted no time welcoming him into the fray:
Welcome to the race Sleepy Joe. I only hope you have the intelligence, long in doubt, to wage a successful primary campaign. It will be nasty – you will be dealing with people who truly have some very sick & demented ideas. But if you make it, I will see you at the Starting Gate!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 25, 2019
Noteworthy in the president’s tweet was usage of the nickname “Sleepy”. Although consistent with Trump’s fourth grade vocabulary, advisers worry that it simply doesn’t have the pizzazz of his earlier efforts. “The president is getting lazy with his nicknames,” admitted Trump sycophant Steve Cortez. “Crazy, Sloppy, Wacky, Dopey, Sleepy. These are socialist Democrats we’re talking about, not crack whore dwarfs.”
Other Trump supporters agreed. “Boorr-ing!” drawled Senator Lindsey Graham with a laugh. “Man, Trump’s losing it,” muttered Kellyanne Conway under her breath. “What a fucking moron,” grumbled vice president Mike Pence.
Stung by the whispered criticisms, the president traveled to Green Bay, Wisconsin to crowd-test a new nickname for the Democratic front-runner.
Resch Center rally
“Did you see that Joe Biden entered the race?” Trump asked an adoring crowd of nearly 10,000 supporters at the Resch Center, eliciting a chorus of boos. “Good ol’ Joe Biden may look, sound, smell and act like a president, but he isn’t one, is he?” The arena erupted in cheers, as Trump continued. “Nope, that’s me, the greatest president in the history of our country, one who has done more for you than any Republican president since George W. Bush.”
Trump paced the stage, basking in the glow of applause for nearly a minute. He then ducked behind the podium, reaching underneath the lectern. Simultaneously, the lights dimmed and the tones of Air Supply’s “All Out of Love” began thundering through the arena. A spotlight blinked onto the President, who stood center stage, wearing a Biden mask while waving his hands to the roaring crowd. “Helllllooo, Green Bay!” he bellowed. “I’m Joe Biden, and I need a new nickname! Wanna help give me one?”
Biden nicknames
The crowd went absolutely wild with glee, laughing and cheering while Trump held his hands high. “That’s what we’re gonna do, folks, we’re gonna give me a new nickname!”
After the supporters quieted down a bit, Trump began tossing out options for consideration, pointing to a sound meter set to measure crowd noise. “How about ‘Stupidhead Joe’?” he asked. “Hi, I’m ‘Stupidhead Joe’ and I’m running for president!” he mocked, his supporters erupting in applause as the meter registered 100. He then removed the Biden mask and replaced it with a grandmotherly wig and glasses. “What about ‘Joe Mama’?” he asked, back bent slightly, mimicking an elderly woman. As his supporters cheered, he donned a feather headdress. “‘Injun Joe’!” he cried, dancing around the stage while pretending to chant and beat a tom-tom. Trump took off the headdress and put on a sombrero. “Yo quiero ‘Taco Joe’!”
Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics! https://t.co/ufoTeQd8yA pic.twitter.com/k01Mc6CuDI
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 5, 2016
The president tossed aside the prop and pointed to the meter, which once again reached 100 as the crowd went ballistic. “I’ve got a million of them, folks, a million of them!”
The verdict
After nearly two hours of gleeful pantomiming and freewheeling Biden nicknames that included ‘Plateau Joe’, ‘Fatso Joe’, ‘Low-Flow Joe’, ‘Eat Crow Joe’ and ‘Yo Mamma’s a Hoe, Joe’, it was time to tally up the results.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!” exclaimed the president, holding an envelope overhead and waving it around. He theatrically ripped it open, pretended to read the results, before ripping it to shreds and tossing the shards aside. “As the world’s most successful businessman, I’ve learned that my first choice is always my best choice. Welcome to the race, ‘Stupidhead Joe’!”
The crowd jumped to their feet in a standing ovation, with the chant ‘Stupidhead Joe’! ‘Stupidhead Joe'” reverberating throughout the Resch Center. With that, Trump took a bow and left the arena to the triumphant Owl City hit “Fireflies”.
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