After passing the nation’s most extreme anti-abortion law, the Alabama legislature doubled down on Wednesday, outlawing ‘fun’ sex. Per the new law, the release of spermatozoa without the intent to conceive will be a Class C felony, punishable by five years in prison. The bill was signed into law by Governor Kay Ivey and went into effect after a fifteen minute bathroom break.
“Sex is a four-letter word,” declared Republican state senator Clyde Chambliss. “Turn on the t.v. and all you see is women cavorting around, not in their Sunday best. Go to the movies and you’ll witness even less church clothes on their scrumptious, sinful bodies. Much as we protected the unborn with our abortion bill, we now extend the same protections to the unejaculated.”
Alabama strong
Despite the fact that Americans as a whole are evenly divided on the subject, Alabamians strongly oppose abortion.
Today, I signed into law the Alabama Human Life Protection Act. To the bill’s many supporters, this legislation stands as a powerful testament to Alabamians’ deeply held belief that every life is precious & that every life is a sacred gift from God. https://t.co/DwKJyAjSs8 pic.twitter.com/PIUQip6nmw
— Governor Kay Ivey (@GovernorKayIvey) May 15, 2019
“I’ve read the good book cover to cover, thousands of times,” said Senate Majority Leader Greg Reed, waving a Bible overhead. “The words ‘abortifacient pharmaceuticals’ aren’t found anywhere in scripture.” He paused, allowing that revelation to sink in. “Neither are ‘mifepristone’ or ‘gemeprost’. As we all learned in Sunday school, if it’s not in the Bible, God hates it.”
Asked to justify the anti-sex measure, Reed replied, “It isn’t an anti-sex law, it’s anti-sex for fun law. Up until now, countless trillions of spermatozoa go wasted every single year in all sorts of vile, sinful ways. Instead of making babies, it literally gets thrown away like garbage.” Reed paused, driving his point home. “It’s about time Alabama stood up for the defenseless unejaculated.”
Governor Ivey’s statement
Upon signing the bill into law, Governor Kay Ivey released the following statement:
Following the preservation of the unborn with our historic law, Alabama has taken another courageous step in protecting the unejaculated. Spermatozoa have God-given rights and can now be put to use swelling Alabama’s population by the millions. As an impartial governor decades beyond having sinful ‘fun’ sex, I speak for all Alabamians in applauding our legislature.
Democratic presidential candidates react
Democratic presidential front-runner Joe Biden reacted defensively upon hearing the news. “I just massaged their shoulders and nuzzled them, that’s all,” he said. Senator Elizabeth Warren clarified that she meant to write ‘American Indianan’ on her law school application back in the 1980s, and Bernie Sanders asserted that repeatedly calling Warren ‘old lady hot’ would likely not culminate in a violation of the new law.
Mayor Pete Buttigieg, suddenly at a loss for words, said “If upheld by the Supreme Court, that could be a bit of a problem,” but refused to elaborate further on the matter
Oddly, despite vowing to sue Alabama over the abortion bill, the ACLU came out in support of trillions of previously unprotected spermatozoa. “We’re about as humorless as they come,” said a spokesperson. “If it’s fun, we’re against it. That’s a basic tenet of the ACLU.”
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