Step one: obtain an NHL franchise. Step two: select an exciting name to energize fans, sell merchandise and begin the marketing process. After years of frustrating area politics, the Seattle Sneeze have made impressive progress toward being ready for the 2021-22 NHL campaign.
The one purported certainty — the remodel of Key Arena — has encountered major snags. In a pivot worthy of a Sidney Crosby head fake, the Sneeze have abandoned efforts to remodel Key Arena. Instead, the Sneeze will begin play in the renamed Alka-Seltzer Plus Night Cold Formula Park. If you don’t recognize that venue, it’s the re-branded name of CenturyLink Field, home of the Seattle Seahawks.
Key Arena smells like sweat
“After much deliberation, we will no longer pursue Key Arena as a home for our club,” said senior adviser Dave Tippett. “First of all, it’s a sucky venue with horrible parking. Secondly, I walked through it just the other day, and it still smells like sweat and rat feces, even with the Sonics long gone.” Tippett turned his palms up and asked rhetorically, “Anyone want to eat a hot dog in a YMCA locker room?”
Tippett indicated that the cost overruns were the main concern. “Of course finances have to be considered,” he said. “The ownership group might be comprised of millionaires and billionaires, but unless you’re Bernie Sanders, who cares? You should love that we’re rich, because it means we’ll build big, fancy houses in your neighborhoods.” Seeing the nonplussed stares from the assembled press, Tippet snapped his fingers. “Hello? Property values!”
After crossing Key Arena off their list, the Sneeze considered other local options. “We briefly looked at Lynnwood Ice Center,” said Tippet. “But we decided that the horrible skating there would be bad juju for our players.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH-b56RWuh0
Tippett indicated that Winterfest Ice Rink, Oly on Ice and Sprinkler Recreation Center Ice Arena were reviewed, before being rejected. “They bored us,” said Tippett. “The people there aren’t millionaires and they just skated like zombies in circles to old REO Speedwagon Muzak.” He cleared his throat, before continuing, “We decided to go an entirely different direction with Alka-Seltzer Plus Night Cold Formula Park.”
Alka-Seltzer Plus Night Cold Formula Park
The Sneeze have negotiated a new name for CenturyLink Field, signing a ten-year lease. “CenturyLink Field was a stupid name,” Tippett sneered contemptuously. “It didn’t mean a thing. In fact, it meant less than nothing — ‘CenturyLink’ sounds like a medieval torture device on Game of Thrones, not a professional sports venue. Alka-Seltzer Plus Night Cold Formula Park practically rolls right off the tongue.”
Tippett donned a white board to diagram a portable rink being towed to the center of the gridiron. He then proceeded to meticulously draw 60,000 x’s, representing fans crammed into Alka-Seltzer Plus Night Cold Formula Park. “I don’t know why were were making it so complicated, trying to put lipstick on a pig over at Key Arena,” he mused. “The Winter Classic is played with a portable rink, and it attracts huge audiences.” He smiled, considering the economics. “We’ll break all regular season television ratings and home attendance records, at a fraction of the dollars of a fancy new arena.”
When asked to quantify the cost savings, Tippett snapped, “I’m not going to tell you that.” He looked around the room before adding, “But I will say this: it’s enough so that we can build even bigger houses in your neighborhoods. And that means your property values will keep going up and up and up forever.”
Seattle Sneeze petitions the NHL
Given the resolution of their arena situation, the Sneeze have petitioned the NHL to begin play this week. “If possible, we’d like to get in on this year’s playoffs,” said Tippett. “The series between the Blues and Sharks isn’t over yet, so if the NHL approves our request, we’ll play the winner.” Asked by ESPN writer Adrian Wojnarowski how that could possibly happen, Tippet shot him an irritated look. “How is that hard to understand?” he asked. “If the Blues win, we play them. If the Sharks prevail, we play them.” He shook his head and muttered, “Imbeciles.”
Assuming the NHL rejects their request, the Sneeze will play their home opener at Alka-Seltzer Plus Night Cold Formula Park next October. “I’ve decided we’ll play the Stars,” said Tippett. “Although I used to coach them, I kind of hate them now,” he confessed. “We’re going to Sneeze all over those bastards.” He paused, a look of inspiration on his face. “Hey, I think I just came up with our team slogan!”
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