After a groundbreaking interview with President Donald Trump earlier this year, The Lucky Rock traveled with the president during his round of golf with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. As the president heaped praise upon himself and railed against his opponents, we donned a Montgomery Burns mask and posed as Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross. We then served as Trump’s octogenarian caddie and took surreptitious notes.
The following is a transcript of that golfing event, edited for brevity.
Trump tees off
Trump (surveying the course): Wilbur, are we up for this? I’m hoping for a stiffy.
TLR (speaking in a desiccated voice): Mr. President, you’re the greatest golfer in history, and I lost my virginity watching “The Wee Iceman” win the 1953 U.S. Open.
Trump: You’re nowhere near as rich as me, but you’re still wealthy, so that qualifies you to do anything. You can be my caddie. Hand me a driver, will ya?
TLR: G-g-g-g-ugh! (unable to lift the club)
Trump: For fuck’s sake, Wilbur, I’ll get it myself. Now, I have great, great success in life when I visualize a positive outcome, so I like to imagine Russian hookers on a hotel bed. Fore!
Trump: (strikes ball and watches it sail into the trees) Look at that, a big, beautiful hole in one!
Trump vs. Abe
令和初の国賓としてお迎えしたトランプ大統領と千葉でゴルフです。新しい令和の時代も日米同盟をさらに揺るぎないものとしていきたいと考えています。 pic.twitter.com/8ol8790xWY
— 安倍晋三 (@AbeShinzo) May 26, 2019
The purpose of Trump’s state visit was to cement ties with Japan, a key ally and trading partner. However, by the seventh hole it was clear that the two leaders did not see eye to eye.
Trump (kicking the ball in the cup after his wild drive defied physics and ended up on the green, surrounded by Secret Service agents): Another hole in one! So Fonzie, how’s the Japanese food in your country? I sometimes order the presidential motorcade to take me to Benihana. I really like how they slice and dice it right in front of you with those big, beautiful knives. Bing, bing, bing!
North Korea
Abe: Shinzo. It’s very delicious, Mr. President. Can we discuss North Korea? Their recent missile tests are regrettable and I pray the United States will issue a firm warning to Chairman Kim.
Trump: Why do you think they call him ‘Chairman Kim’? Wouldn’t that be like calling you ‘Prime Minister Fonzie’ or me ‘President Donald’? What’s the deal with that?
Abe: Um, I don’t know, Mr. President. Will you be speaking to Chairman Kim on the matter?
Trump: As I always do, I stand up for my friends and allies on Twitter. Fore!
North Korea fired off some small weapons, which disturbed some of my people, and others, but not me. I have confidence that Chairman Kim will keep his promise to me, & also smiled when he called Swampman Joe Biden a low IQ individual, & worse. Perhaps that’s sending me a signal?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 26, 2019
Trade negotiations
At the 12th tee box, Trump and Abe were engaged in discussions about a new trade deal between the two nations. The president had just recorded his eleventh straight hole in one.
Trump: Look, Fonzie, you guys have been ripping us off for decades. Fore! (worm-burner tee shot, sending twelve Secret Service agents scurrying after the ball). If we don’t make a deal, I’m going to slap 25 percent tariffs on kimonos, Katanas and geisha girls. Then I’m going to offer to remove the tariffs to get what I want.
Trump: (whispering in Abe’s ear) Since you don’t speak English, I’ll let you in on a little secret. That’s straight out of The Art of the Deal. Add something really nasty so that you can offer it back to get what you want. How do you think I landed Melania?
Abe: I speak fluent English, Mr. President. Our trade negotiators in Tokyo will need time to work diligently on a counter-proposal to your generous offer.
Trump: Too late! Wilbur, tell Miller that Japan just declared a trade war on the United States. We’ll rake in billions in tariffs, which we’ll use to stick it to Crazy Nancy and build the wall. (Reaching the green) Whaddaya know, another hole in one!
Endgame
After the president logged his 18th hole in one, he celebrated his win in standard Trumpian fashion.
Trump: Tough luck, Fonzie. This might be the greatest victory the United States has ever had over Japan. Are you sure you want a trade war? Kim Jong-un and I are in love, and you don’t want to be the third wheel in a lover’s triangle, that I can tell you.
Abe: I am at a loss for the English words, Mr. President, so I’ll say it in Japanese: あなたはクソバロンです
Trump: You’re welcome, Fonzie.
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