Month: June 2019

Dem Debate, Night 2: Candidates Give Each Other Trump-Like Nicknames

Night two of the Democratic debates started cordially, but deteriorated quickly as the candidates began shouting insults at one another. Ultimately, they handed the GOP a political gift by snarkily giving each other Trump-style nicknames. “I have to say, it was beyond surreal,” said NBC Nightly News anchor Lester Holt. “The spell President Trump has […]

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102-Year-Old Kirk Douglas to Star in next Five ‘Indiana Jones’ Sequels

In a last-minute surprise, Lucasfilm Ltd. announced it is replacing Indiana Jones star Harrison Ford with 102-year-old Kirk Douglas. According to Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy, Douglas has been signed to play the titular character for at least five sequels. “We appreciate everything Harrison has done for us, but let’s face it: the franchise has sucked […]

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Stephanopoulos Interview: Trump Claims Uranus Is Part of the Moon

ABC’s explosive President Trump: 30 Hours exclusive made worldwide headlines when the president admitted he’d welcome information from a foreign government on a political opponent. Due to time constraints, what didn’t make the cut was George Stephanopoulos grilling Trump on his claim that the Moon is a part of Mars: For all of the money […]

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Trump’s ‘Secret’ Deal with Mexico: Taco Bell to Offer Big Mac Sandwiches

After reaching a deal to stem the flow of refugees to the U.S., President Trump hinted at a ‘secret’ agreement with Mexico. Following several days of uncertainty, the secret was unveiled: Taco Bell will begin offering Big Mac sandwiches at all of its U.S. locations. “It’s a fantastic deal,” said Trump while speaking to reporters […]

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You, Inc.: Treat Your Personal Finances Like a Business

Americans love slogans. In 1928, the Republican Party distributed a circular claiming a Herbert Hoover presidency would result in “a chicken for every pot”. Bounty paper towels have been “The Quicker Picker Upper” for decades. A sea of red baseball caps emblazoned with “Make America Great Again” flooded Trump rallies during the 2016 presidential race. The […]

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Hurricane Cap’n Crunch? Weather Service to Sell Storm Sponsorships

Coming to your local weather report: Hurricane Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch? Over the weekend, the National Weather Service announced the retirement of its existing hurricane nomenclature system. Starting next year, a pilot program will allow storms to be sponsored by product advertisers. Although details are yet to be finalized, businesses will acquire sponsorships through a […]

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Vice President Pence Calls for ‘Dotard’ Trump’s Impeachment

Following a wild week that included Special Counsel Bob Mueller’s stinging press conference, presidential attorney John Dowd’s incriminating transcripts, a new trade war and Donald Trump’s announced re-election kickoff, Vice President Mike Pence clearly had heard enough. In a stunning USA Today interview, Pence joined the growing list of members of Congress calling for the president’s […]

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