Following a wild week that included Special Counsel Bob Mueller’s stinging press conference, presidential attorney John Dowd’s incriminating transcripts, a new trade war and Donald Trump’s announced re-election kickoff, Vice President Mike Pence clearly had heard enough. In a stunning USA Today interview, Pence joined the growing list of members of Congress calling for the president’s impeachment.
I will be announcing my Second Term Presidential Run with First Lady Melania, Vice President Mike Pence, and Second Lady Karen Pence on June 18th in Orlando, Florida, at the 20,000 seat Amway Center. Join us for this Historic Rally! Tickets: https://t.co/1krDP2oQvG
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 31, 2019
Pro-choice Mike Pence
“I’m done,” said Pence from his office in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. “I’ve had enough. Just about everyone this side of Sarah Sanders and that idiot Stephen Miller assumed Trump wouldn’t run again. With all those scandals, traitorous actions and manufactured crises, he wouldn’t stand a chance, right? But noooo, he had to screw me over.” Pence slammed his fist on the desk. “I’m out!”
Pence poured himself a shot of Jack Daniel’s Old No. 7 Black Label and downed it with a quick flick of the wrist. “Kim Jong-un had it right all along.” He wiped his mouth with his sleeve and said, “I say we impeach the dotard.”
Noting the surprised look on the reporter’s face, Pence lit a cigarette, exhaling slowly. “Everyone thinks I’m Charlie Church and all that, but I am far more liberal than I let on.” Asked to elaborate, he explained, “Hey, I don’t care which Christian church you attend every Sunday. And I’m perfectly fine with Christian schools having casual Fridays with light gray uniforms. As for the recitation of the Lord’s Prayer,” Pence paused, taking another drag. “Pick either the Kings James or New International versions of the Bible — your call.” He dropped a wink and added, “And they say I’m not pro-choice.”
No chance at the presidency
Pence claimed that Trump’s running for re-election all but ends his chances of becoming president. “I lose no matter what,” he fumed. “If the Democrat wins, Trump’s screwed things up so badly that a Republican won’t sniff the White House for a generation.”
The vice president blew a perfect “O” smoke ring toward the open window, then continued. “On the other hand, if that moron gets another term, I’m going to age so badly that by 2024 I’ll look like Wilbur Ross, and who would vote for that face?” Pence gave the finger to the portrait of the president hanging on his office wall. “Thanks, douche!”
Pence: the resistance
The vice president poured himself another shot and asked USA Today reporter Maureen Groppe if they could go off the record. Upon being told they could be not not on the record, he nodded curtly and confessed, “I wrote that anonymous New York Times Op-Ed about being the resistance inside the Trump administration. I basically made up a bunch of crap to sound all noble and reasonable,” he added, “but really just wanted to be president. Is that so wrong?”
Pence recited from memory his favorite passage from his infamous September, 2018 piece:
Given the instability many witnessed, there were early whispers within the cabinet of invoking the 25th Amendment, which would start a complex process for removing the president. But no one wanted to precipitate a constitutional crisis. So we will do what we can to steer the administration in the right direction until — one way or another — it’s over.
Looking directly at Groppe, he explained, “I told the cabinet that a Pence administration would be like church every day in America — that was going to be my campaign slogan — and made them clasp hands for hours on end in group prayer.” He shook his head. “Inexplicably, I still couldn’t get those bastards to go along with my righteous 25th Amendment plan.” Pence snuffed out his cigarette and spat, “Enjoy your dotard, losers!”
Trump responds
The reporter who pulled-back from his 14 year old never retracted story is having fun. I don't know what he looks like and don't know him!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 28, 2015
Hearing of the vice president’s remarks, President Trump stood on the South Lawn and employed a familiar tactic. “I don’t know him, I’ve never met the man,” he claimed. “I don’t know who he is. He sounds like a total loser, but I don’t know what he looks like and I don’t know him.”
Trump spent the next hour ranting about the ‘conflicted’ Bob Mueller and other political enemies. He then boarded Air Force One headed to a Green Bay campaign rally to rail against ‘Stupidhead Joe’ Biden.
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