Trump’s ‘Secret’ Deal with Mexico: Taco Bell to Offer Big Mac Sandwiches

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After reaching a deal to stem the flow of refugees to the U.S., President Trump hinted at a ‘secret’ agreement with Mexico. Following several days of uncertainty, the secret was unveiled: Taco Bell will begin offering Big Mac sandwiches at all of its U.S. locations.

“It’s a fantastic deal,” said Trump while speaking to reporters from the South Lawn of the White House. “Mexico has treated us very badly for many, many years. With our secret plan, we will begin exporting Big Macs to the Mexicans that eat at Taco Bell.” The president smiled presumptuously, then continued. “That will eliminate our trade deficit very, very quickly while making our big, beautiful farmers rich.”

Fact checking Trump’s Mexico claims

The press pool immediately began throwing shade on the president’s claims. George Stephanopoulos asked, “Mr. President, do you actually believe that everyone who eats at Taco Bell is Mexican?”. Trump responded, “That’s what I’ve heard, that’s what I’ve been told. Somebody told me that.” CNN’s Jim Acosta stood up and asked, “Are you aware that the Big Mac is a McDonalds menu item?” The president shot back, “You run fake news CNN and let me worry about Taco Bell. We’ll be offering a fried macaroni sandwich with onions, scrambled eggs, lettuce and heaps of mayonnaise. It’ll be called a ‘Bigly Macaroni’ sandwich — Big Mac for short.”

Questioned by Dave Weigel of the Washington Post about how Taco Bell’s sales within the U.S. would be considered exporting, Trump replied, “How hard is this to understand? America will sell to Mexico. Mexican money will be pouring into our coffers by the billions. Good versus evil. We win, they lose.” He paused, pointing a finger directly at Weigel. “Got it?”

Trump cancels national emergency

Heralding the new agreement as “unbelievably fantastic,” Trump announced that he would terminate the Taco Bell national emergency he declared in February. “We don’t need it anymore,” he said. “With all the Big Macs we’ll be selling, Taco Bell will be adding thousands of new locations. And they’ll be manufacturing jobs because they’re making food, making hot sauce, making water, making Diet Coke.” Trump scanned the room. “And we’ll be making millions of jobs, perhaps billions, for our economy.”

Asked to comment, Taco Bell replied in a tersely-worded tweet:

The Bigly Macaroni sandwich’s debut

Chief Marketing Officer Marcia Thalberg indicated that Taco Bell’s Bigly Macaroni sandwich was still in concept mode. “We’re trying to determine whether or not consumers would enjoy the fried macaroni, scrambled egg, onion, lettuce and mayonnaise sandwich the president just made up a few minutes ago.” She brushed her hair from her face before continuing, “I mean, it sounds gross, but people like Jack-In-The-Box tacos, so whatever.”

Thalberg said that in the unlikely event that sandwich is green-lighted, it could hit the stores sometime next year. “Or the year after that,” she said. “It’s probably one of those things that’s best to kick as far down the road as possible.”

Mexico responds

After listening to Trump’s rambling claims, Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador replied, “As I said four months ago, what the chingado is this man talking about?” He looked around the room in bewilderment. “Can anybody understand anything he just said? Anybody?”  López Obrador added, “The American president reminds me of that scene in A Pez Called Wanda” where Jamie Lee Curtis calls Kevin Klein stupid.”

López Obrador looked directly at the camera and said, “Before you ask, yes, I have dresses in my closet with higher I.Q.’s than Donald Trump. Maybe America should choose one of them to be their next president.”

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