In a last-minute surprise, Lucasfilm Ltd. announced it is replacing Indiana Jones star Harrison Ford with 102-year-old Kirk Douglas. According to Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy, Douglas has been signed to play the titular character for at least five sequels.
“We appreciate everything Harrison has done for us, but let’s face it: the franchise has sucked for a long time,” confessed Kennedy. “So we’re going to do something a little different this time around.” She paused, revealing her unique strategy. “As George Costanza taught us on Seinfeld, if every instinct we’ve previously had is wrong, the opposite must be right.”
Kirk Douglas: the face of anti-ageism
While most aging franchises attempt to reboot with younger stars, Kennedy said her approach will be to go the other direction. “We decided to hire the oldest celebrity imaginable,” she explained. “Harry Morgan would have been perfect, but darned our luck, he died in 2011.” Kennedy ticked off other options on her fingers. “Betty White was briefly considered, but America isn’t ready for an action hero in a girdle. We also interviewed Carl Reiner, but he just sat there, stared straight ahead and drooled.”
In the end, Kirk Douglas fit the bill perfectly. “He was a big star in the 1950s, so that will appeal to our octogenarian target market. Plus, unlike Reiner, he managed to wipe away his own drool.” She smiled, adding, “We can work with that.”
Douglas was reportedly in the running for the role of Jack Swigert in Universal Studio’s Apollo 13 comedic remake, but director Rob Reiner wanted someone at least 60 years younger. “Ageism, thy name is Reiner,” spat Kennedy with contempt.
Wheelchair stunts
Kennedy revealed that the next installment will be titled Indiana Jones and the Golden Wheelchair. “As with most centenarians, Douglas will be wheelchair bound,” she said. “Obviously, that means a golden wheelchair will be fought after by good guys and bad guys alike.” She leaned forward, adding in a low voice, “We’ll have him desperately wheeling away from villains and threats. Later, he’ll crash through a Denny’s window just in time to catch the early bird special. And, spoiler alert: we’re going to recreate the scene from the first movie where Indy flees from the giant stone sphere. It’ll be positive affirmation that old people can sometimes do more than nap and play shuffleboard.”
With the current success of Grace and Frankie along with yesteryear hits such as The Golden Girls, Murder She Wrote and Matlock, Hollywood has been battling ageism for a generation. “Our culture’s obsession with youth and beauty has to end,” said Kennedy. “Old people inspired The Clapper, Depends, Metamucil and Life Alert. Where would America be without those critical products?”
Douglas and fans react
After hearing the news, Twitter lit up with excitement.
TIL: Kirk Douglas ain't dead, and is 102 years old and still kicking
— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) June 15, 2019
I'd like to challenge Kirk Douglas to an MMA fight.
— Graeme McRanor (@GraemeMcRanor) June 10, 2019
Vote for Kirk Douglas for president of the United States of America.
— Dylan Connell (@dconsmith) June 21, 2019
Asked to comment about his return to Hollywood, Douglas replied, “Speak up, sonny!” When the question was repeated, he shook his cane at the interviewer, mumbled that 4:00 was past his bedtime and retired for the afternoon. After two distinct claps, the lights went off in his spacious nursing home bedroom.
Indiana Jones and the Golden Wheelchair is slated for theatrical release in July, 2021.
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