Month: July 2019

Servais Vows to ‘Eat a Bug’ if Streaking Mariners Don’t Make the Playoffs

Following Seattle’s four-game sweep of the Detroit Tigers, manager Scott Servias resurrected an old Cal Worthington trope. Ecstatic after his team’s fifth straight win, Servais vowed he’d ‘eat a bug’ if the Mariners don’t make the playoffs this year. “We’re gonna do it,” Servais insisted during his post-game press conference. “We’ve won six out of […]

Read More Servais Vows to ‘Eat a Bug’ if Streaking Mariners Don’t Make the Playoffs

NFL Owners Approve Half-Point Scoring Plays for the 2020 Season

On Tuesday, NFL owners approved a new rule designed to combat declining ratings and concerns over player safety. The league will allow half-point scoring opportunities in various game situations, which will doubtlessly substantially alter offensive strategies. After extensive preseason testing, the new rules will be implemented during the 2020 NFL season. “Our fans have spoken,” […]

Read More NFL Owners Approve Half-Point Scoring Plays for the 2020 Season

Trump Reveals Nicknames for Every Democratic Presidential Candidate

On Saturday, President Trump sat down with CNN’s Anderson Cooper to discuss his incendiary comments about Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib and Ayanna Pressley. Predictably, the president veered off-topic and hijacked the interview, unveiling new nicknames for every remaining presidential candidate. “I’m not going to speak badly about those four man-hating foreigners,” said Trump. […]

Read More Trump Reveals Nicknames for Every Democratic Presidential Candidate

‘Groundhog Day’ Sequel ‘Yesterday’ Could Have Used a Large Squirrel

What do you get when you churn out a Groundhog Day sequel without a groundhog? You get a movie that’s careening on the railroad tracks, that’s what. To be fair, Yesterday is a pleasant love story filled with more Beatles’ tunes than you can illegally download. If you’ve never seen Groundhog Day, maybe that’s enough to […]

Read More ‘Groundhog Day’ Sequel ‘Yesterday’ Could Have Used a Large Squirrel

Scientists Discover New Subhuman Species: Homo Mitchis McConnell

In a cruel twist of evolution, scientists have discovered a subhuman species that evolved within the past century.  The University of Kentucky team credited with the find have dubbed the new species Homo Mitchis McConnell. “Mitchis McConnell — ‘Mitch’ for short — is like nothing we’ve seen before,” said lead paleoanthropologist Andrew Dean. “While all […]

Read More Scientists Discover New Subhuman Species: Homo Mitchis McConnell

Millennial Surprised to Learn ‘Douchebag’ Really Is a Thing

A Seattle man was surprised to learn his favorite insult is actually a feminine hygiene product. “Like, I never would have guessed that,” acknowledged Trevor Whitman while sipping a Starbucks Violet Drink. “I mean, my buds and I have been calling each other ‘douchebag’ for, like, forever. Who knew that was really a thing?” Douchebag […]

Read More Millennial Surprised to Learn ‘Douchebag’ Really Is a Thing

Joe Biden Tells CNN He Needs to Do More Than Smile and Babble

In a recent CNN interview, Joe Biden confirmed that his pathway to the presidency will likely involve more than crooked grins and incoherent babbling. “I probably need to do more,” Biden replied after CNN’s Chris Cuomo asked if looking presidential would be enough. “You’ve got to admit that I sure do look like a president, though,” […]

Read More Joe Biden Tells CNN He Needs to Do More Than Smile and Babble

Research Concludes Dogs Dream About Playing Poker

Every dog owner can relate to the sight of their pet twitching during sleep, paws moving as if running in place. Often, low growls or barks are included, leading the amused owner to believe Fido must be chasing something. But is that actually the case? “Absolutely  not,” stated David Chu, Veterinarian at Stanford Medicine’s Veterinary […]

Read More Research Concludes Dogs Dream About Playing Poker