Every dog owner can relate to the sight of their pet twitching during sleep, paws moving as if running in place. Often, low growls or barks are included, leading the amused owner to believe Fido must be chasing something. But is that actually the case?
“Absolutely not,” stated David Chu, Veterinarian at Stanford Medicine’s Veterinary Service Center. “We’ve studied the issue for decades, trying to determine what dogs dream about. Until recently, the only thing we could say with certainty was that they aren’t chasing something. We made that conclusion back in 2004.” Chu shuffled a series of charts and graphs on his desk, and then continued. “It was just this year when we figured out the real subject of their dreams.”
Stimulation simulations
Chu indicated that most human things simply don’t stimulate dogs. “Our research has been extremely thorough,” he affirmed with authority. “We’ve put dogs in rooms with bananas, dishwashers, 1040-EZ forms, copies of Playboy, you name it. We thought those items might provide adequate stimulation and lead to other areas of inquiry.” Chu paused, gathering his thoughts. “Surprisingly, the subjects paid scant attention to them, other than offering a few random sniffs. After thousands of controlled experiments, one commonality was observed: the animal would eventually relieve itself. We finally concluded with certainty that everyday objects — given enough time — cause dogs to excrete.”
That breakthrough conclusion led to the hypothesis that actions, not objects, were stimulative to dogs. “That was huge,” admitted Chu. “The recent case in Tennessee where a dog fell asleep on a high school football field before being arrested for public urination is a perfect correlative example. What was the dog doing just before peeing on the goalposts?” Chu smiled, letting his question hang in the air. “Sleeping. By scientific method, we’ve proven that the animal was dreaming just before the police were called. Which leads to the obvious next question: what was he dreaming about?”
Chu didn’t hesitate to provide the answer. “He was dreaming about playing poker.”
What do dogs dream about?
“As humans, we tend to anthropomorphize our pets,” said Chu. “We put clothing on them, speak baby talk as if they understand every word, and utter things they can’t possibly respond to like ‘why did you do that?’ and ‘you’re in big trouble, Mister’. By itself, that doesn’t mean dogs dream about human behavior. So we went into the next phase of research with our theory: dogs dream about playing poker.”
Asked why they decided upon poker, Chu replied, “Simple. Poker’s roots go back about a thousand years, and dogs were largely domesticated by then. That means dogs have been by man’s side during both the creation and evolution of the game, evolving in kind as well. These undisputed facts hint at a strong correlation between dogs and poker, one we felt worthy of further examination.”
Ultimately, after more than a decade of study, the evidence became overwhelming. “Our research concluded that dogs aren’t running when their forelimbs are moving during sleep — they’re dealing cards,” he said. “The muffled barks are banter with other players, as well as the dog telling the dealer how many cards he needs.” As for the lip curls and growls? “The lip curl is from smoking a cigar,” he asserted, and the growls are responses to losing a hand. “Dogs become very, very upset when they lose,” he said. “Their bite is even worse than their bark.”
The theory of dogs dreaming about poker ultimately became a fact. “If you flip a coin a whole bunch of times and it always comes up heads, that means it always will,” said Chu. “That’s a bedrock principle of the scientific method. Much the same way, we’ve proven that dogs dream about playing poker.”
Dogs playing poker
Chu indicated that his research will be published in the Journal of Animal Science later this year. “It’s an amazing find,” he proclaimed. “It may not have quite the impact of the discovery that a mother consuming chicken wings can stunt her baby’s penis size, but it’s right up there in terms of scientific impact.”
The veterinarian indicated that more work needed to be done on the subject. “What poker games they play, whether or not humans curl up at their feet, and what adult beverage they prefer are all open questions,” he indicated. “I’m taking my dog to the casino this weekend to start my research.”
An idea suddenly popped into his head. “You know what? I’m going to sit him at the table and curl up at his feet, just to see if he can actually play the game.” Chu smiled, blurting “You’ve got to effing love science!”
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WOOF! YOU’RE ONE SICK PUPPY!