In a recent CNN interview, Joe Biden confirmed that his pathway to the presidency will likely involve more than crooked grins and incoherent babbling.
“I probably need to do more,” Biden replied after CNN’s Chris Cuomo asked if looking presidential would be enough. “You’ve got to admit that I sure do look like a president, though,” he marveled. “I’m six feet tall and my voice is soothing. I’m a sleepy version of everyone’s favorite grandpa and I’ve got my signature smile locked and loaded at all times.” He grinned broadly, flashing his pearly whites. “In the age of Trump, you’d think that would be enough.”
However, Biden admitted that after his recent debate performance, everything changed.
Biden and the Debate
“The debate was rough,” Biden acknowledged. “First, I couldn’t believe that everyone was giving each other Trump-style nicknames. Senator Harris started it by naming the former Colorado governor ‘Governor Hickenpooper’, and he hit back hard by calling her ‘Cameltoe’. Sadly, it all went downhill from there.”
Reminded by Cuomo that he participated in the fracas by calling Pete Buttigieg ‘Pete Blows’, Biden said, “At least mine was a play on the name of a great baseball player. Mine wasn’t making fun of a disgusting bodily function or a woman’s girly bits. Frankly, all the others — ‘Stupidhead Joe’, ‘Senator Statler’, ‘Andrew Wang’, ‘Senator Swallow Well, ‘Senator Gilligan’ and the rest of those clowns — were just plain mean.”
When Cuomo brought up Senator Harris’ attack on his opposition to federally-mandated busing in the 1970s, Biden replied, “Now this is an example of when simply looking like a president isn’t enough. I remember thinking, ‘Ok, Joe, show that killer smile of yours and buy some time. After that, ramble about nothing just like that classic Seinfeld episode celebrating nothing. Finally, top it all off with another crooked grin and a wink. Maybe even throw in two thumbs up or pantomime kissing a baby.'”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQnaRtNMGMI
Biden sighed, recalling the smack-down he received during the debate. “Unfortunately, she clobbered me with a totally bullshit story about how much she loved being bussed.” He wiped his brow, then continued, “I should have yelled at her at the top of my lungs at that point and accused her of being a fucking liar, pardon my French. Maybe even launched at her from across the room, like a linebacker making an open-field tackle. Instead, I shriveled like a neutered old-man toddler.” Biden whistled. “Believe me, that’s hard to do.”
Changing tactics
The vice president vowed to act with more authority going forward. “First of all, I’m going to start calling her ‘Camletoe’,” he affirmed. “If it worked for Trump and ‘Crooked Hillary’ it’ll work for me, and besides, I can blame ‘Hickenpooper’ for it.” Biden chuckled to himself, saying, “I can’t wait to watch her check for wardrobe malfunctions every time I say it in future debates.”
Secondly, Biden said he’ll need to formulate actual policies. “Right now, I don’t have a damn clue about anything,” he admitted. “Not a clue. I’m going to have to come up with solutions to global cooling, the Red Scare, the Cold War, mixed marriages and the Amos & Andy controversy, to name just a few things.” Biden scoffed to himself, saying, “And Swalwell thinks it’s time to pass the torch.”
Trump mocks Biden
Asked about Biden’s renewed vigor and vows to curtail his babbling, Trump replied, “‘Stupidhead Joe’ is proving he doesn’t have what it takes to be president. As you know, I call him ‘Stupidhead Joe’.” Trump ticked off the reasons he felt the former vice president wasn’t up to the task. “He’s got a low I.Q., he’s boring and dumb, he smells weird, his feet smell bad, and I hear he wears panties.” The president nodded to himself. “People are telling me he wears panties.”
The president then went to Twitter to go after Biden repeatedly:
I was actually sticking up for Sleepy Joe Biden while on foreign soil. Kim Jong Un called him a “low IQ idiot,” and many other things, whereas I related the quote of Chairman Kim as a much softer “low IQ individual.” Who could possibly be upset with that?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 28, 2019
Looks like Bernie Sanders is history. Sleepy Joe Biden is pulling ahead and think about it, I’m only here because of Sleepy Joe and the man who took him off the 1% trash heap, President O! China wants Sleepy Joe BADLY!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 20, 2019
WELCOME BACK JOE! pic.twitter.com/b2NbBSX3sx
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 4, 2019
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