A Seattle man was surprised to learn his favorite insult is actually a feminine hygiene product.
“Like, I never would have guessed that,” acknowledged Trevor Whitman while sipping a Starbucks Violet Drink. “I mean, my buds and I have been calling each other ‘douchebag’ for, like, forever. Who knew that was really a thing?”
Douchebag revelation
Trevor indicated that he was watching late-night television when the revelation came to light. “Normally I’d stream The Big Bang Theory or The Bachelor, but I was watching this old show called The New Adventures of Old Christine while texting my girlfriend. He shrugged apologetically, adding, “I think that was something my grandparents used to watch.”
He took another sip of his drink. “Anyways, this dude on the show was shopping when he stopped, looked at a box and said, ‘hey, a douchebag’s a real thing.'”
He paused to organize his thoughts. “I almost stopped texting right then and there, I was so blown away,” he explained. “I thought, like, maybe I heard it wrong, so I listened to it over and over again. Every time, it was the exact same thing.”
Internet fail
Trevor said he felt compelled to investigate the matter further. “I was like, just because it’s on T.V. doesn’t mean it’s real,” pointing to SpongeBob SquarePants as evidence. “So I typed ‘douchebag’ into Amazon’s search bar and found a bunch of games, T-shirts and books, which didn’t help.” His brow furrowed with resolution. “I decided the only way to get to the bottom of the mystery was by leaving my parents’ basement.”
The next phase of the quest was figuring out where to go. “Like, I almost felt like Nicholas Cage in National Treasure, trying to solve a puzzle,” he laughed. “I googled ‘douchebag store’ and couldn’t find anything useful. I checked YouTube, but only came up with videos about being a douchebag. Finally, I asked my girlfriend, and she texted back, “Wut? Try Rite Aid lol!”
Trevor crossed his arms. “I’m a sixth-year Humanities major, so I have lots of free time. I was going to Rite Aid.”
A quest for truth
The next day, Trevor donned his signature black shirt, black jeans, black boots, dark coat and sunglasses, then jumped into his 1998 Honda Civic. After a quick stop at Starbucks, he headed straight to Rite Aid.
“When I got there, I asked the girl at the counter if she had any douchebags for sale. She gave me this really funny look, like ‘oh snap, what did you just ask?’ I figured, well, maybe she didn’t understand English, so I leaned real close, lowered my sunglasses and repeated the question, slowly and loudly.” He smiled, the memory still vivid in his mind. “That got her attention, along with almost everyone in the store,” he said. “She told me to try Aisle 4 and I like practically ran there to check it out.”
After rummaging through the shelves for a good ten minutes, Trevor finally found what he was looking for. Upon reading the box, he said to himself, “Wow, that’s heinous!”
Rousted by the cops
After stepping outside Rite Aid, Trevor was quickly surrounded by three police officers. “They asked me what was I doing in Rite Aid and why I was shouting,” he said. He explained that he didn’t think the clerk spoke English and that he just wanted to check something out. “I told them, like, dudes, did you know that a douchebag is a real thing?” he recalled. “They wouldn’t answer me and kept asking me why I was so obsessed with them. He paused, raising his index finger as if a light bulb just came on. “I think they figured maybe I was going to use one as a bong or something.”
After being questioned for almost half an hour, the police left the scene, but not before ordering Trevor to leave the premises. “I think I got lucky,” he confided. “There was this story on Twitter about the cops actually arresting a dog for pissing at a high school. After a half hour of their bullshit, I almost took a leak right then and there.”
Trevor ended the interview with one final confession. “I didn’t tell them I was also looking to see if ‘buttplug’ was a real thing, too. My bruh Daniel calls me that all the time.”
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