In a cruel twist of evolution, scientists have discovered a subhuman species that evolved within the past century. The University of Kentucky team credited with the find have dubbed the new species Homo Mitchis McConnell.
“Mitchis McConnell — ‘Mitch’ for short — is like nothing we’ve seen before,” said lead paleoanthropologist Andrew Dean. “While all human species evolved thousands or millions of years ago, ‘Mitch’ has only existed for a comparatively short period of time.” Dean smiled, continuing, “We know this because we obtained a DNA sample of its urine from a North American watering hole and had it carbon dated,” He shuffled papers in his hands as he spoke. “The results were unimpeachable: this creature has existed since February 20th, 1942.”
‘Mitch’ is inhuman
Unlike known human species, ‘Mitch’ is not only subhuman, but inhuman. “Some might call him an ‘inhuman monster’,” laughed Dean. “That’s technically accurate, because unlike other human species, ‘Mitch’ evolved from Testudines. Seeing the puzzled look on reporters faces, Dean restated the comment. “He sprang from turtles.”
Dean said it was not precisely known how human and turtle DNA intermixed, but he had a working theory. “It’s Kentucky,” he said. “In the South, people and animals regularly urinate in public. ‘Mitch’s’ father very likely got drunk on moonshine and took a leak on the road. Mistaking it for water, a turtle ingested the urine. The turtle quickly became drunk and crazy horny and climbed a female partner. Seconds later, Homo Mitchis McConnell was conceived.”
The paleoanthropologist indicated that numerous turtle characteristics would survive the cross-breeding process. “Like turtles in cartoons, ‘Mitch’ would have a weak chin and a slow, dumb voice,” he predicted. “He’d be boring, slow, stubborn and frequently retreat into his ‘shell’ like a coward.” Dean cleared his throat, then continued, “As for mating? Yeesh! There isn’t a person in America who wants to think about that,” he shuddered. “Thankfully the process would be quick, and I’m sure the female would be thrilled to face the other way.”
The new Bigfoot
Following the announcement of Homo Mitchis McConnell, reports of sightings began to flood in. “I’m sure I have seen ‘Mitch’ in Washington, D.C.,” said irritating Democratic congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Fearing an invasion, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders bellowed, “We need a revolution!” while shaking his fist. “No collusion, no obstruction,” proclaimed President Trump in a typical non-sequitur.
The supermarket tabloid National Enquirer went so far as to publish a story claiming that Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao had repeatedly engaged in sexual contact with ‘Mitch’. “I can neither confirm nor deny allegations that I have slept with ‘Mitch’,” Chao claimed in a prepared statement. “I may or may not have seen it naked every — single — day for the past 25 years,” she said, wincing. “That alone would be deeply disturbing.”
Chao hypothesized about having sex with Homo Mitchis McConnell. “If I had gritted my teeth and slept with ‘Mitch’, it would be a quick, bumpy and annoying ride, that I can tell you.” She held up an artist’s rendition of the creature and asked rhetorically, “Would you want to sleep with this?”
Social media reacts
Twitter lighted up after news of Homo Mitchis McConnell spread across the globe.
mitch mcconnell looks like a turtle
— mäc (@hellobyeidc) July 10, 2019
Exactly like one. Like McConnell looks like a turtle. Apologies to turtles. I like turtles.
— Janis Johnson (@kona14) July 11, 2019
Is it me or does Mitch McConnell look like Cecil the Turtle? pic.twitter.com/HqyEXb5SDt
— crystalball (@drocindy) July 10, 2019
With the same eagerness I hope I don't have to see Mitch McConnell's turtle face ever again. pic.twitter.com/LJbLuiMXiG
— Aimi Komori (@AimiKomori) July 5, 2019
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