On Saturday, President Trump sat down with CNN’s Anderson Cooper to discuss his incendiary comments about Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib and Ayanna Pressley. Predictably, the president veered off-topic and hijacked the interview, unveiling new nicknames for every remaining presidential candidate.
“I’m not going to speak badly about those four man-hating foreigners,” said Trump. “You can’t bait me into nicknaming them ‘The Dumb Broad Squad’, ok?” Trump crossed his arms and frowned. “The last thing I would call them is lesbian transsexuals who set sex toys on fire to burn the American flag.”
Trump pivots to the presidential campaign
Welcome to the race Sleepy Joe. I only hope you have the intelligence, long in doubt, to wage a successful primary campaign. It will be nasty – you will be dealing with people who truly have some very sick & demented ideas. But if you make it, I will see you at the Starting Gate!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 25, 2019
A stunned Cooper sat open-mouthed as the president switched topics to his potential opponents in the 2020 presidential race. “Good ol’ Joe Biden,” he said, rolling his eyes. I now call him ‘Stupidhead Joe’, did you know that?” Hearing no response, Trump continued, “Voting for Biden would be just like voting for Obama, and who would want that disaster back?” The crowd of more than 200 onlookers clapped and cheered wildly, obviously annoying the president. “Ok, but what about Elizabeth Warren?” he snapped, looking around the room as more cheers erupted. “She hates America and I hear she hates you, too. People are telling me she hates everyone in this room,” he paused, pointing, “especially that fat capitalist guy over there.”
Cooper finally stepped in, interrupting the president in mid-rant. “Mr. President, in the interests of brevity, I’d like to do a quick lightning round. I’ll name the opponent, and you give me a very quick response.” Trump sat, stone-faced while Kelleyanne Conway whispered the definition of ‘brevity’ in his ear, then agreed.
Cooper: Joe Biden.
Trump: Grandpa Obama.
Cooper: Kamala Harris.
Trump: Bitchy Obama.
Cooper: Cory Booker.
Trump: Bald Obama.
Cooper: Bernie Sanders.
Trump: Jewish Obama.
Cooper: Elizabeth Warren.
Trump: Indian Obama.
Cooper: Pete Buttigieg.
Trump: Gay Obama.
Cooper (giving up): Let’s move on.
So President Obama knew about Russia before the Election. Why didn’t he do something about it? Why didn’t he tell our campaign? Because it is all a big hoax, that’s why, and he thought Crooked Hillary was going to win!!!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 22, 2018
Candidate nicknames
Cooper brought up the president’s penchant for slurring his political foes. “Mr. President, you famously nicknamed your opponents in the last campaign,” he noted. “While extraordinarily juvenile and beyond contempt, it was also extremely effective.” The CNN host paused, carefully considering his next question. “Do you plan on doing that again?”
In response, Trump launched into a rambling diatribe that touched upon his ‘record-setting’ inauguration day crowd size, Obama’s ‘fake’ birth certificate and the ‘disastrous’ Iran nuclear deal. “People are saying that I’m the exact opposite of President Obama, that I can tell you,” he said with satisfaction as the crowd booed loudly. “Nobody has been more opposite of Obama than I have.”
The lightning round
Cooper held flash cards bearing the name of every remaining Democrat running for president. Each card had the candidate’s picture on it, which he showed Trump after reading the name aloud. The president replied with his chosen nicknames for each candidate.
Cooper: Joe Biden.
Trump (giving the finger): “Stupidhead Joe”.
Cooper: Kamala Harris.
Trump (fixing a pretend wardrobe malfunction): “Cameltoe”.
Cooper: Cory Booker.
Trump (attempting to look less unintelligent): “Bookworm Cory”.
Cooper: Bernie Sanders.
Trump (eating an invisible bucket of chicken): “Crazy Colonel Sanders”.
So weird to watch Crazy Bernie on @FoxNews. Not surprisingly, @BretBaier and the “audience” was so smiley and nice. Very strange, and now we have @donnabrazile?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 16, 2019
Cooper: Elizabeth Warren.
Trump (pantomiming a silent rain dance): “Pocahontas”.
Today Elizabeth Warren, sometimes referred to by me as Pocahontas, joined the race for President. Will she run as our first Native American presidential candidate, or has she decided that after 32 years, this is not playing so well anymore? See you on the campaign TRAIL, Liz!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 9, 2019
Cooper: Bill de Blasio.
Trump (yawning): “Blase Bill”.
Cooper: Steve Bullock.
Trump (pointing to his posterior): “Governor Buttock”.
Cooper: John Hickenlooper.
Trump (pointing to his posterior): “Governor Hickenpooper”.
Cooper: Pete Buttigieg.
Trump (pointing to his posterior): “Pete Butt Judge”.
Cooper: Julian Castro.
Trump (pointing to his gonads): “Castrated Julian”.
Cooper: John Delaney.
Trump (attempting to look Iranian): “Khomeini Delaney”.
Cooper: Tulsi Gabbard.
Trump (mimicking gossiping underneath a hair dryer): “Gabby Gabbard”.
Cooper: Kirsten Gillibrand.
Trump (pretending to be the Skipper): “Senator Gilligan”.
Cooper: Jay Inslee.
Trump (pantomiming going down with the ship): “Mayday Jay”.
The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 6, 2012
Cooper: Amy Klobuchar.
Trump (adjusting a pretend girdle): “Lamy Amy”.
Cooper: Seth Moulton.
Trump (gagging): “Revoltin’ Moulton”.
Cooper: Beto O’Rourke.
Trump (Texas accent): “Beto O’Lightweight”.
Beto O’Rourke is a total lightweight compared to Ted Cruz, and he comes nowhere near representing the values and desires of the people of the Great State of Texas. He will never be allowed to turn Texas into Venezuela!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 19, 2018
Cooper: Tim Ryan.
Trump (drawling): “Lyin’ Ryan”.
Cooper: Marianne Williamson.
Trump (sounding stoned): “Moon Unit Marianne”.
Cooper: Andrew Yang.
Trump (schoolboy giddiness): “Small Wang Yang”.
Cooper: Michael Bennett.
Trump (shrugging): “Micheal Nobody Cares”.
Cooper: Wayne Messam.
Trump (looking bored): “Messy Messam”.
Cooper: Joe Sestak.
Trump (looking at his watch): “Joe Tic Tac”.
Cooper: Tom Steyer.
Trump (looking ready for ‘Executive Time’: “Pig Styer”.
Just watched Wacky Tom Steyer, who I have not seen in action before, be interviewed by @jaketapper. He comes off as a crazed & stumbling lunatic who should be running out of money pretty soon. As bad as their field is, if he is running for President, the Dems will eat him alive!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 28, 2018
Cooper (shaking his head at the array of nicknames and giving the cut sign to his crew). Thank you, Mr. President.
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