On Tuesday, NFL owners approved a new rule designed to combat declining ratings and concerns over player safety. The league will allow half-point scoring opportunities in various game situations, which will doubtlessly substantially alter offensive strategies. After extensive preseason testing, the new rules will be implemented during the 2020 NFL season.
“Our fans have spoken,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell from the league’s New York offices. “Last season’s epic 6-0 snooze-fest between Jacksonville and Indianapolis convinced us that we needed to do something.” He shrugged his shoulders. “We think we’ve solved the problem with the half-point play.”
The NFL half-point play
Goodell disclosed that there will be two scenarios where a team can opt for a half-point play.
“The first will be in lieu of field goals and extra points,” he said. “Let’s say the Rams and Seahawks are tied 21-21 with ten seconds left in the game with the Rams facing 4th down from their own 45. A field goal is virtually impossible, so L.A. has to try a low-percentage ‘Hail Mary’ attempt.” Goodell looked up from his prepared text, then continued. “Not only is that going to fail, but players often get hurt in the end zone melee. Under the new rules, the Rams can simply inform the referee that they choose the half-point play. Just like that, Los Angeles leads 21.5-21. After a mandatory 10-second runoff, the game is over.” He hoisted his arms up high in the air, signaling a touchdown. “Rams win!”
The commissioner said the NFL wants to make the game more exciting by minimizing the kicking game. “Field goals and extra points are just stupid,” he spat. “Kickers rarely miss, and further, since we passed rules disallowing jumping over the line, boring as hell. We’re basically getting rid of them by offering a half point option instead of either of them.”
The second half-point option will be allowed at the very beginning of any offensive series. “A team can opt for a half-point before they run a play,” explained Goodell. “If they do, it will be immediately granted. After that, they punt the ball to the opponent, who — assuming there’s no turnover — can do the very same thing. And so on, and so on.”
Goodell predicted that the resulting decline in offensive plays will reduce injuries, eliminate shutouts and increase ratings. “Who likes extra points and boring ‘Hail Mary’ tries?” He pointed to himself. “Not this guy!”
Overtime
The commissioner indicated that the league will also go back to sudden death overtimes. “The term ‘sudden death’ makes NFL football sound tough and cool, just like Charles Bronson in Death Wish,” he said, laughing. “It’s a marketing bonanza. Why we watered it down with allegedly ‘fair’ rule changes never made sense to me to begin with. We’re going back to winner-take-all, war is hell, life isn’t fair outcomes.”
The half-point rule will still be available during overtime. “We’re going to keep it in to avoid ties,” Goodell explained. “That will make the coin flip very dramatic, because although a team can elect to drive down the field if they wish, they may instead simply opt for the half-point. If they do, that’s the ballgame.” The commissioner then surprised the reporters by loudly mimicking a whining Hudson from Aliens. “Game over, man, game over!”
Goodell indicated that the NFL rules committee is working on additional changes to enhance the in-game experience in future years. “We’re thinking about power plays like in ice hockey and we’re also considering using Nerf footballs to cut down injuries to players and fans alike,” he said. “Maybe even using technology to make the ball randomly burst into flames to really gin up excitement.” He closed his notebook, summarizing the last idea by quoting Jerry Lee Lewis: “Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!”
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