Following Seattle’s four-game sweep of the Detroit Tigers, manager Scott Servias resurrected an old Cal Worthington trope. Ecstatic after his team’s fifth straight win, Servais vowed he’d ‘eat a bug’ if the Mariners don’t make the playoffs this year.
“We’re gonna do it,” Servais insisted during his post-game press conference. “We’ve won six out of our last seven games. For you math-challenged types, that’s .857 ball, and if we just keep up that pace, we’ll win 91 games.” He made a few additional calculations in his head, then continued. “If we can turn it up just a little bit to .943, we’ll get to 95. That might even win us the goddamn division!”
The Mariners are rebuilding
After the team announced it would take a step back during 2019 to rebuild, few pundits believed the franchise would be competitive anytime soon. “Pardon my French, but those asshole writers all thought we would be godawful this year,” Servais grumped. “Nobody thought we’d win even one game in a row, let alone five.” He thought for a moment, then continued, “Well, there was this one dumb shit who predicted we’d be good, but that that’s guy’s a freaking moron. When I looked at our roster, I thought man, Jerry Dipoto should be sent to the firing squad after cobbling together this train wreck. I didn’t think we’d win a game all season.”
And yet, the Mariners’ current five-game winning streak has Servais singing a completely different tune. “We’re hitting like the 1927 Yankees, pitching like Sandy Koufax and fielding like Ozzy Smith after snorting five line of blow,” he marveled.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJQj-hCBMtg
“We’re the greatest team in baseball history right now, and I feel so good about our chances that I’ll eat a bug if we don’t make the playoffs.” Reminded that his club was still just 46-63 and 23 games behind the Houston Astros, Servais stared icily at the reporter for a full thirty seconds. “What part of ‘five-game winning streak’ do you not understand?” he growled, drawing each word out slowly. Startling everyone in the room, he then shouted, “Security!” and after three rent-a-cops arrived, ordered the reporter to be escorted to T-Mobile Park jail.
Bug preferences
Seattle Times reporter Ryan Divish attempted to relieve the visible tension by inquiring as to what kind of bug he’d eat if the Mariners don’t make the playoffs. “Are you doubting us?” Servais asked incredulously, clenching his fists. After Divish muttered “no, sir”, Servais smiled broadly. “Well, I’ve always been partial to grasshoppers,” he said. “I’m an ice cruncher, and I think they’d be pretty damn crunchy. Same with beetles, cockroaches, and crickets.”
He wiped his mouth, adding “Heck, I’ll eat a big, heaping bowl of all of ’em.” He chuckled to himself, musing, “I might just do that anyway.”
Winning the division
Servais acknowledged that although the playoffs are all but certain, winning the division will require a little bit of luck. “The Astros are playing .636 ball right now, which — although not as good as our .857 over the past six games — projects to 103 wins,” he admitted. “If we win every game from here on out, we can only get to 99, so we’re going to need a little help.”
The Mariners manager reached underneath his podium and pulled out a Magic 8-Ball, which he showed the reporters. “I call this ‘mystical analytics’,” he said. Holding the children’s toy close to his mouth, he asked, “Magic 8-Ball, will the stupid Astros hold on to win the division this year?” He violently shook the sphere, then waited for the results. Breaking into a wide grin, Servais displayed the answer to everyone in the room.
“Don’t count on it,” he beamed. That means we win! Ladies and gentlemen, bow down to your 2019 American League West Champion Seattle Mariners!” Seeing no reaction, he set his jaw, glared menacingly at the room and barked, “Bow DOWN!”
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