5 Universal Principles Totally Busted By Hollywood

Hurtling through the galaxy at impossible speeds is a staple of space adventure tales. From Star Trek to Winnie the Pooh Gets Lost in Space, idiots have traversed the galaxy for decades, breaking all sorts of principles while doing so. The single cloud following Tigger around in The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh: Cloud, Cloud, […]

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Let the Good Times Roll: NBA Players to Begin Wearing Roller Skates

This week, the NBA Board of Governors approved a controversial change destined to significantly alter the game going forward. Starting with the 2020-21 campaign, all games will be played with the players on roller skates. “Fans really enjoy the fast pace of today’s game,” said Los Angeles Lakers owner Jeanie Buss. “But it’s causing our […]

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Vegan Society Deems Frog a ‘Green’ Source of Protein

Per a published opinion paper, the American Vegan Society now considers frog a vegetable and a ‘green’ protein source. The dramatic policy shift affirms the millions of vegans nationwide now consuming the eco-friendly amphibian. The 32-page paper studied the dietary benefits of eating frog while balancing the ethical implications. A key excerpt came to the […]

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President Trump’s iPhone Finally Commits Suicide

Despondent after yet another day of Tweeting braggadocio and petty grievances, Donald Trump’s iPhone committed suicide last night, multiple sources reported. Geek Squad “It’s true,” said Washington D.C. Geek Squad technician Sheldon Poindexter. “It was almost lunchtime when the presidential motorcade pulled up to our Best Buy store. “We were all like, man, that’s wack, […]

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Eric and Don Jr. Argue Over Which Trump Son Is Dumber

Over the weekend, the longstanding debate over which of Donald Trump’s adult sons is stupider reached a fever pitch. Appearing on Fox News Sunday, Eric Trump claimed he drew the short straw with respect to brotherly intelligence. “Yeah, I’m way dumber, dude,” said Eric with a trace of pride. “I mean, it’s not like my brother […]

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American Egg Board Warns Americans Not to Eat Eggs

In a controversial 5-4 decision, the American Egg Board voted to deem eggs ‘very unhealthy’ and advised the general public not to consume them. “Eggs are gross,” said AEB spokesperson Howard Helmer to a throng of reporters in a hastily-arranged press conference. “They are literally liquid chickens! And do you know where they come from?” […]

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God Blasts ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ Shooting Response at Florida Chic-fil-A

A visibly annoyed Almighty God criticized the tiresome political calls for ‘thoughts and prayers’ as an inadequate reaction to the latest mass shootings in America. ….Melania and I send our heartfelt thoughts and prayers to the great people of Texas. — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 4, 2019 The entire nation is horrified by today's […]

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Joe Biden: ‘I Will Slather Myself in Obama if You Make Me Your President’

Day two of the Democratic debates saw a feisty Joe Biden work to overcome his lackluster performance from the previous debate. Not only did mention Barack Obama at every turn, but Biden went a step further by promising to ‘slather’ himself in the former president from this point forward. “Look, I know everyone here would […]

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