Day two of the Democratic debates saw a feisty Joe Biden work to overcome his lackluster performance from the previous debate. Not only did mention Barack Obama at every turn, but Biden went a step further by promising to ‘slather’ himself in the former president from this point forward.
“Look, I know everyone here would love to see Barack back in office,” acknowledged Biden during his opening remarks. “He was tall, his feet smelled nice and his stuttering was damn charming, so I get it.” He cleared his throat and flashed his signature grin. “But the frickin’ Constitution won’t allow it, so what we need is the next best thing.” Biden paused, pointing both thumbs at himself. “This guy!”
Slathering and slavering
As the debate progressed, Biden made it clear that there were absolutely no differences between him and Obama. After Corey Booker blasted him for supporting the 1994 Crime Bill, Biden deftly pivoted to comparing himself to the former president. “First, I’m tall. Second, my feet smell good. Third, I stutter like a motorbike,” he explained, a grin fixed to his face. “By attacking me, you’re calling Obama the worst president in American history and Donald Trump the best president we’ve ever had.” He paused briefly to wipe his eye. “Do you really think Donald Trump is a better president than my best pal Barack?”
Later, New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand misleadingly accused Biden of writing that he was against women in the workplace in a 1981 op-ed. Biden’s fixed grin turned downward a few degrees as he replied, “So you’re saying that you hate Obama?” A stunned Gillibrand was unable to respond, leading the vice president to look directly at the camera and say, “Here’s the deal. I will slather myself in Obama if you make me your president. You’re going to get the Obamaiest president you’ve ever seen, and with all due respect, that includes my bosom buddy Barack.”
Happy #BestFriendsDay to my friend, @BarackObama. pic.twitter.com/JTd1t7NtyL
— Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) June 9, 2019
Biden’s grin resumed its full upward trajectory. “I challenge any of my socialist colleagues on this stage to make the same I-love-Barack-more-than-life-itself pledge.”
Obama drinking game
Midway through the debate, dozens of attendees were becoming increasingly unsteady, their behavior bordering on unruly. Eagle-eyed observers soon figured out why: they were taking shots of whiskey every time the vice president uttered the word ‘Obama’.
The drinking game was not limited to audience members. As Biden told a tale about how Obama thought he looked good in a black speedo while modeling it in the Oval Office, debate moderators Dana Bash, Don Lemon and Jake Tapper were each seen downing a shot. “We needed one after that mental image,” confessed Tapper.
Closing remarks
When it was Biden’s turn to deliver his closing remarks, he said the following:
Here’s the deal. I’m the only person on this stage who has the courage to bring up Barack Obama in every single answer. But I do more than that, much more. When I wake up in the morning — I think of Barack. When Jill and I are having a romantic candlelight dinner — I think of Barack. If I’m your president, you can rest assured that I’ll do everything the exact same way Barack would have done, period. If American wants, I’ll even change my name to Barack. I’m the living embodiment of the third term of Barack Obama. If you vote for me, you’ll be voting for the second black president this country has ever had, minus the black.
Obama on Biden
Reached at his home in the Kalorama neighborhood of Washington, D.C., former president Obama blurted “say what?” when informed of Biden’s comments. “I like Joe and all, but I’m taller, my feet smell way better, and I don’t stutter, I stammer,” he said. “More importantly, I think somebody’s got Fatal Attraction issues.”
Obama dug a card from his wallet and handed it to the reporter. “Tell Joe to give my shrink a call.”
Follow us on Facebook!
