A visibly annoyed Almighty God criticized the tiresome political calls for ‘thoughts and prayers’ as an inadequate reaction to the latest mass shootings in America.
….Melania and I send our heartfelt thoughts and prayers to the great people of Texas.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 4, 2019
The entire nation is horrified by today's senseless violence in El Paso. Elaine's and my prayers go out to the victims of this terrible violence, their families and friends, and the brave first responders who charged into harm’s way.
— Leader McConnell (@senatemajldr) August 3, 2019
“That’s blessing not enough,” God snapped, appearing as a glowing squirrel in an Orlando, Florida Chic-fil-A parking lot. “With all the things humans could do — universal background checks, red flag laws, smaller magazine sizes, an assault weapons ban and the like — they expect me to solve the problem?” God picked up an acorn and tucked it into His cheek. “Pardon my French, but that’s just blessing annoying.”
God sounds off
The rare appearance of God in physical form drew hundreds of onlookers, dozens of whom were carrying concealed weapons. “Pathetic,” the Lord grumbled, noting the gun-toters in the crowd. “What is this, an episode of Gunsmoke? Do you really think you’re going to be mugged while having lunch at Chic-blessing-fil-A? He shook His furry little head. “They may call this ‘The Gunshine State’, but give me a blessing break!”
As the crowd fell to their knees, several found their voices. “Oh Lord, the Second Amendment guarantees us the right to bear arms!” cried a patron clutching a half-eaten spicy chicken sandwich. God scurried up a tree and raised His tiny forelimbs. “The Constitution is not the Bible!” He thundered as he shook the tree, acorns spilling onto the ground. God scampered back down and began scooping up the nuts. “No, it guarantees you the right to bare arms,” He explained, rolling up imaginary sleeves. “James Madison had a little too much sauce that day and misspelled the word.” He stroked His beard, adding, “I’ve been giving him grief about that for almost two hundred years.”
A woman in the middle of the crowd called plaintively, “But God, guns don’t kill people — people kill people.” Thunder immediately ripped through the afternoon air, eliciting frightened gasps. “You don’t think more firearms equals more violence?” He asked. “What are there, 30 or 40 million guns in the United States?” Informed that there are nearly 400 million, He bellowed “WHAT?!! What is this, Syria?” He hissed under His breath, “Un-blessing-believable!”
Thoughts and prayers
The Lord returned to the tepid ‘thoughts and prayers’ phrase uttered by politicians. “Look, thoughts are fine and prayers are absolutely my preferred form of communication with humans,” He confirmed, scratching His ear with His hind leg. “And by all means, use prayer when your uncle is sick or you want a new girlfriend or a boat. But this gun violence problem in America is easy to solve,” He said. “Japan has 40 percent of your population but about ten shooting deaths per year. Australia has had just one mass shooting in over two decades. Great Britain experiences about 50 to 60 gun deaths annually”
God waved His forelimbs theatrically. “The Supreme Court ruled in the Heller decision that the Second Amendment is not absolute, that the right to bear arms can be regulated.” He gnawed on an acorn before tossing it aside. “Stop blessing around and do something!”
Trump weighs in
The president asserted that “a lot” has been done to keep guns out of the wrong hands, without providing evidence to back the claim. “If Hillary Clinton were president, there wouldn’t be 400 million guns in our country, there would be billions,” he claimed. “Maybe trillions.”
The Lord’s squirrelly brow furrowed upon hearing those remarks. “Trump is a piece of work,” He said. “Just like Reverend Lovejoy on The Simpsons, he really displeases me. I think I’ll give him a canker sore.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSUwkVkkc_Q
With that, God darted back up the tree and exploded, a stunning white light carrying Him back to Heaven.
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